


A Call to Arms

by Lowiiie



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Compliant, Clexa, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Guilt, Mount Weather, Original Character(s), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Polis, Post-Mount Weather, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Slow Burn, Torture, Violence, injuries, world building
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-20
Updated: 2016-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-05 06:59:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 36,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4170372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lowiiie/pseuds/Lowiiie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke thought Lexa abandoned her on the Mountain. But Clarke and Lexa were inevitable to each other. Their story was not an easy one though, there will be trials and tribulations. "Lexa, leader of the Trikru, Heda of the twelve Clans, heir to the warrior's spirit and protector of her land, had been brought down by a shooting star". A star that was losing her light.<br/>OR<br/>The battle of Mount Weather happens differently but Clarke suffers the consequences nonetheless. And it's just the beginning of all new problems that arise. Things have to go bad before they get better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing except what I do!
> 
> No update plan at all. They can be sparse and few and far between but they will happen eventually.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Summary of what happens before the battle of Mount Weather.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So this is the first story I've ever shared. I had a test-run on FanFiction and people seem to like it so I'm expanding the audience (since I've commented with passion on many stories here, it's only fair I give the opportunity to people to do the same, or not, this is scary!!).  
> The rating will change from Chapter 4!
> 
> EDITED: 09/01/2015

‘Of old was the age ere aught there was,

Sea nor cool waves nor sand there were,

Earth had not been, nor heaven above,

But a yawning gap, and grass nowhere.

The sun, the sister of the moon, from the south,

Her right hand cast over heaven’s rim;

No knowledge she had where her home should be,

The moon knew not where their stations were.’

 

Norse mythology.

_Voluspa: the wise-woman’s prophecy from the Poetic Edda_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then, Clarke fell form the depth of the sky.

 

 

**Prologue**

 

 

Year 2149. Her name was Clarke Griffin. She was born and raised on the Ark, an ensemble of several space stations that took off before a thermonuclear war wiped out the Earth. As far as life went, space was all she’d ever known. She was the fifth generation of Griffin’s living on the Ark and the fourth to have been born on it. Earth was nothing but a foreign sight, a distant and unreachable painting on the other side of the pressurized walls that constituted her orbital home. Clarke had always dreamed of the ground, ever since she was a little girl. She would fantasize about the stories her father narrated to her. She wished to taste the salty air from a stormy beach, touch the dirt of a rain-deprived day and hear the sounds of a luxuriant forest. Inside the Ark, everything was grey, metallic and tasteless, even the food was dull. There was no real silence to appease the mind, either because of the constant chatter of the amassed population or the incessant buzzing of the air vents.

The buzzing and the view were all she had in her cubicle.

 

Clarke had been born in the privileged class on the hierarchy of the Ark, which made her life a little easier compared to the working class, and more complicated in a way. Everybody had a role to play. As everything was scarce, there was no room for uselessness. From a tender age, children were taught about the history of the world, about biology, mechanics, physics…a well-composed curriculum for the survival of the stations and the perspective of life on Earth in a near but uncertain future. The higher you were on the hierarchy, the more people looked up to you. Clarke was the offspring of a doctor and a chief engineer, both members of the council. Needless to say, her parents had great expectations for her. She was trained by her mother in the Medical Bay after class and would tinker with her father once back in their quarters.

 

Being the daughter of two renowned citizens had its perks. They had bigger quarters, movie nights and access to restricted areas.

Her father would take her outside the Command Deck where there was an entire wall made of reinforced glass. It was the best view from the Ark. He would sneak her in with scraps of papers, plastic sheets and handmade pencils so she would draw the surface of the Earth and imagine the rest.

Her father was one to bend the rules, especially when it came to Clarke. But never did he show his worries about her future, and the rest of the population’s. Clarke wasn’t blind though. She was smart enough to know that the Ark wasn’t meant to last this long. They had lived on the Ark for decades and life support was bound to be stretched to its breaking point.

 

Water was some days distributed sporadically. They even could go several days without it. They had to relocate hundreds of people from a section to repair the air system. And every time, her father’s mood grew somber.

She didn’t mean to eavesdrop but once the discussion between her parents started, she couldn’t run from it. Her father was a genius and he was admitting his helplessness.

Clarke was there when the guards took him away. She tried to fight them off, supporting her father in his belief that the people had a right to know. A few hours later, she was hugging him for the last time and watched, crushed, as he was floated, sucked into the infinite void of space. Under Ark’s law, added to the Charter under the Population Control Section, every person above eighteen years of age who had committed a crime, even minor, would be reviewed by the council and sentenced to death. Juvenile offenders would serve their sentence locked up until they were old enough for a re-trial or a one-way ticket to the stars.

Clarke didn’t make it back to her quarters that night. It would be the first night of her eleven-month solitary confinement in the Sky Box, the juvenile prison. She had been found guilty of being an accessory to treason, becoming prisoner 319.

She spent most of her days drawing on the walls as a reminder that she still existed. Until one day, her door opened and guards forced her out. There was nothing scheduled for her that day so she panicked.

Before collapsing to the floor, she was held by her mother. She hugged her tightly until she lost consciousness. When she woke up, she wasn’t in space anymore.

They were hundred juvenile prisoners sent to Earth as both a mean to lessen the load on the Ark’s system and a test for survivability. It felt like her final journey and she was given a second chance to live.

 

Clarke was loyal to a fault, fiercely determined to save her people’s lives, even if they did not deserve it. Clarke was benevolent and an idealist. She didn’t believe in torture or violence to achieve peace. But the ground had often forced her to betray her beliefs to protect those she cared for. She took it upon herself to be the voice of reason but reality took a toll on her moral compass.

For Clarke was strong, wise and headstrong, she was equally vulnerable. Clarke was never prepared for what expected her on the ground - everyday brought a new challenge. Clarke relied also a lot on her feelings and it was a double-sided blade. She realized how much of a danger it was with the connections she’s made with the fellow survivors. It was a downward spiral from bad to worse.

 

When Clarke was sent down to Earth, it was a month before the review for her sentence. It was one month before she turned eighteen. In thirty days, she had been threatened, beaten, poisoned, captured and imprisoned.

In thirty days, she had had to grow up fast, take unwillingly the lead and make life or death decisions. In thirty days, she had to face death countless times, kill and survive, for Earth was inhabited and life was thriving.

And then, without giving it a second thought, she realized she had turned eighteen. It didn’t mean anything anymore. She couldn’t stop and think about the tragedy of it. Age didn’t matter on the ground. Only survival. And she would never remind anyone, not even her own mother, that the day she turned eighteen she was asked to deliver Finn to the Grounders, who started off as enemies then turned unlikely allies. His death was her gift in the name of truce.

 

Clarke was quick to give her trust. However, she usually gave it thoughtfully. She didn’t give it to anybody.

There were only a handful of people she trusted with her life and all of them came with the drop ship. Lincoln, a rebel Grounder, later proved to be trustworthy when he helped them in the war against his people.

But Clarke should have never given it so blindly to Lexa, his Commander whom she had grown close with, for Clarke has been betrayed the worst possible way.

 

Lexa was named after her mother’s birth village, Alexandria. Alexandria was a day trip south of Ton DC. It was the village of the River Clan. Her mother had met her father as he was on his way to the capital to trade thread and fabric. Lexa’s father was from the Cotton Clan; a nation that lived farther in the south around a city called Atla where the soil was red and the fields were white. Her father never made it to Polis and lived a happy life by the river.

Life was bountiful in Alexandria and it made the village the main market place for fish. The village was prosperous but made other Clans envious. Her mother and father had fled it when her mother was pregnant with Lexa. The Ice Nation, excluded from the commerce, had raged war in time of its own people’s starvation. They destroyed the village and everyone in it. Her father fought valiantly but there was nothing more to be done except die. He had to accept defeat and retreat to live another day and protect his family.

They were heading to Harris, home of Maungedakru – the Mountain Tribe also known as the Stone Clan – where they would seek the Commander’s protection and a place in her village. But on their way, they met warriors from the Woods Clan who had heard about Alexandria’s fate. Her father told them that it was too late for their village but others might need their help. The General of the Gonakru ( _group of warriors_ ) tasked her Second, one called Indra, to escort them back to Ton DC where they could find shelter. Impressed and relieved, her parents decided to stop their exodus at a small village on the outskirts of the warriors’ town. And, as if it were their destiny, Lexa’s mother gave birth to the baby girl a few hours after they stepped inside the gate.

 

Her father never forgave himself for fleeing, so when the Ice Nation came to the Woods Clan years later, he was among the firsts in line in the battle.

He fought until his last breath. The Ice Nation was defeated and went back to their territory. Lexa was five years old when he died.

Grounders were taught to grieve and then to never speak of the dead again. She was given his dagger when the pyre was lit on fire. She branded it proudly as he burned.

Her mother would tell her stories about faraway lands and tales of a brave man who traveled the Earth to find love. Lexa would find her mother waiting for her, after a long day of some grounder training, with a hot meal, ready to snuggle under the furs of their tiny bed. The stories stopped when Lexa’s mother was taken by the Blood Cough during her eighth year. She became a ward of the Commander, along with many other children.

Lexa grew up and was trained on the art of archery, swordsmanship, hand-to-hand combat but also strategy and warfare. At ten, her peers thought of her as a prodigy. She was the youngest of the Clan to be called as an apprentice. At ten, she became Anya’s Second. Anya was a General to the Commander and the leader of the village that saw Lexa’s birth. It was a great honor to the young Lexa. By the age of thirteen, at the death of the Commander, the spirit chose her and she became the youngest Commander ever to lead, though the mentoring and intense training did not stop before she turned sixteen – the official age for a Second to become a warrior on their own.

 

During her second year as Commander, Lexa saw people from Floudongedakru, the Boat People that flanked the capital of Polis, arrive in Ton DC, scared of the proximity of the Ice Nation that was still trying to gain land and power. Polis – previously known as Philly – was caught between Boston, home of Azgedakru, and Ton DC. Among the refugees was a girl Lexa’s age that attracted the Commander’s attention. The girl had dark brown hair, brown eyes with golden flakes and sun-kissed skin. It took several weeks and multiple attempts for Lexa to learn who she was – Indra and Anya keeping her well occupied with their mentorship. She heard from gossips that the girl had been Luna’s Second and the leader herself had asked the girl and her family to leave the shore.

Anya had taken the girl under her wing and presented her to Gustus, Lexa’s newly appointed General, who was in need of a new Second. Anya was the one who introduced her to Lexa. Costia had become part of the Woods Clan and keeper of Lexa’s heart.

 

Costia had been a constant in Lexa’s life, balancing the duty and the personal.

She was her beloved and her comfort, supposed to be bound to Lexa in the spring of their sixteenth year – after she was to be officially marked as Commander – in front of the eight Clans Lexa had managed to ally and make peace with so far. But the Ice Nation had struck again, even more villainous now. Their new leader, self-proclaimed Ice Queen, was envious of Lexa’s territory and her position as Commander of a growing coalition. Commander Lexa sent word that the Ice Nation would either be taken over or cease to exist if the Ice Queen would not surrender herself to the Coalition in the plains of the Horse Clan, near Pittsbur, their ruler’s village. The plains were a strategic battlefield that would not allow surprises and keep the war away from Ton DC and Polis.

Costia did not like war but, as a Second, she was supposed to be part of the second wave. But the war never happened, not the one Lexa thought of. Costia had been kidnapped by the Ice Nation’s spies. She had become a pawn in the hands of the Ice Queen.

Two days after Costia’s disappearance, the cruel leader summoned Lexa. And when they came face to face, Lexa and her closest Generals, Anya and Indra, were distraught to recognize Faora. It was tradition for Generals to have several Seconds, as there were more potential warriors than leaders to train them. Faora had been Anya’s Second for two years before young Lexa came along. Faora wanted to be Commander but resented Lexa for her natural abilities. When Anya called Faora out on her rage and jealousy, she took a swing at her mentor who knocked her to the ground and told her she was dismissed as a Second. Faora had left the village and nobody ever saw her again. Lexa wished she’d never seen her again.

 

The Ice Queen shot the Commander a dirty look while Lexa looked daggers at her. These two had always hated each other’s guts.

Lexa scanned the crowd but could not see Costia’s whereabouts. Not until one of her enemy’s Generals reached for a satchel and threw it in Lexa’s direction. Indra was the one to catch the bag. Gustus and Anya fought for Lexa not to look inside it, to keep her where she stood. Lexa would have slain the Ice People right there and then.

But the Ice Queen proclaimed, before any step was taken, the surrender of her nation and her wish to enter the Coalition. Faora smiled in victory. Revenge was sour.

The death of Costia had hit Lexa hard but being unable to avenge her lover, her promised, the woman she loved and gave her heart to, was what truly broke her. Lexa put up walls around her heart and a mask of indifference on her face. Gustus had asked to be Lexa’s personal guard, as he felt compelled to redeem himself, compensating guilt with over-protection.

 

Lexa relocated to Polis after Costia’s body had been brought back to Ton DC. She had waited for the ashes to be scattered by the wind before packing up a few belongings and relinquishing authority and leadership upon the village to Indra. Staying in Ton DC was too painful and Lexa did not need her mind to be clouded by her emotions, by loss. Lexa decided that Polis would become her home as it had been to previous Commanders. On her way to the city, Lexa swore to herself she’d never let anyone in again.

 

The next three years of her leadership were quite uneventful, by ground standard. She was visiting Ton DC and perched in the tree, where she secretly drowned her unquenched sorrow, when the sky burst with fire. She did not know it then but that box falling from the stars would be her undoing, and it would bear the name Clarke.

Lexa grew fonder of Clarke the more time she spent in her company, planning the take down of the Mountain and the rescue of both their people. Lexa was reluctant to the closeness at first. Clarke clearly did not have the same views on decorum and personal space. Lexa tried to deny herself the proximity with all her will but, she was affected by Clarke and it was a fight she could not win. Her heart had gained a mind of its own.

Lexa, leader of the Trikru, Heda of the twelve Clans, heir to the warrior’s spirit and protector of her land, had been brought down by a shooting star.

 

She had grown close to the girl and had betrayed her the worst possible way.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the edit includes slight changes - I've expanded the world of the Clans and added a word here and there. There won't be major changes for the following chapters since I was lazy enough to not post before SDCC and all the fabulous announcements. My story may be divergent but I sure will include those informations!  
> Yes I did keep the original name I had for The Ice Queen but I have a plan about it!


	2. Chapter 1: One Perfect Mess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Battle of Mount Weather

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDITED: 12/27/2015 (second edit)
> 
> checked for mistakes and added things here and there. (again)

**Chapter 1**

**One Perfect Mess**

 

 

* * *

 

 

You know that feeling when something incredibly dramatic, life altering even, was happening before your eyes but your mind was somehow processing the information slowly because the affect had taken over your senses and body; when you had that deafening noise building up in your ears, your heart rate accelerated but your breathing became heavy; when tears came crushing down the edge of your eyes but you dug your nails in your palms deeply to reassure yourself that you had at least an ounce of control left. Well, it was all happening to Clarke in a second’s time. All it had needed were two words and a glance to send her world spinning.

 

They had marched on Mount Weather, Sky People and Grounders alike, as soon as Bellamy had deactivated the acid fog and Raven sent the flare. By nightfall, they were facing the Mountain. The air was thick and electric. The sky was clear and the moon shone bright as if it wanted to help in their plan to victory. Clarke had stood by the door while Lexa had gone up to take down the shooters that had decimated dozen of her warriors as soon as the explosions coming from the dam were heard.

She was taken aback when Lexa came down the ridge and ordered her men to stand down. ‘ _Plans don’t last long in battle_ ’ was the first thing that came through her mind, remembering the words Lexa spoke to her when Clarke was pacing like a caged animal while preparing the attack. Hell, she thought they regained an advantage, after the barely avoided door fiasco (a door upon which resided their whole plan), when she saw Emerson tied up and prisoners coming through the massive door of Mount Weather. _Surrender? Were they truly contemplating defeat now that the unity of Grounders and Sky People had shown prowess and will?_ But then, Clarke felt that something was off.

She only caught a glimpse of the faces walking out of the Mountain but enough to gather that there were no Sky People among them. She turned her gaze back to the Commander. Lexa had always been a woman of few words but she was awfully quiet right there and then. Clarke had learned the hard way that Grounders were primarily loyal to themselves.

She had also learned that they could be fiercely protective to a fault. In that moment, Clarke decided to stand by her flicker of hope, always the optimist. Hope that Lexa’s concern for her was genuine. Hope that the kiss they shared was a physical manifestation of a common desire from their growing connection, and not some political ploy to keep her in line and protect the Alliance.

Clarke hold her breath, shook her doubts off and addressed Lexa to have the answer she desperately needed.

 

“They’re surrendering?”

 

Hope was a treacherous thing and it was already giving in to confusion, nervousness and mistrust. After all the pain and death they caused, the Mountain Men were not to be trusted. So, it hit Clarke like a slap when Emerson was the one answering while Lexa kept silent. _What the Hell Lexa? What’s going on? Can you please stop staring at me and open your goddamn mouth?_

 

“Not quite”.

 

Two words. Two simple words and yet, they sounded like a death sentence. Clarke finally turned toward Emerson who directed her to Lexa with a glance.

Two words and a glance, that was all it took to send Clarke’s world spinning. She turned back slowly to glare at Lexa, whose face showed no signs of any emotions, as realization hit her hard. Something had happened on that ridge. Something critical. Beyond repair. Clarke caught Lexa swallowing and struggling to maintain the composure of her emotionless mask. It felt like Ton DC over again except Clarke was now on the outside, like her mother had been. _What did you do Lexa?_

“What did you do?”

 

Clarke’s mouth had caught up with her brain. Anger flashed through her words. The Alliance was for both their people. It was created to benefit all of them. She should have been advised of a parlay. Clarke felt unease.

Fear was creeping out under her skin. A lot of the Arkers warned the council this sudden joint political agreement might come back to bite them in the metaphorical ass. Clarke was violently coming to realize she’d already been bitten without her knowledge, the sting of it only beginning to manifest itself. She looked intensely at Lexa, trying to decipher her thoughts. And she knew. Before Lexa even spoke, she knew.

 

“What you would have done. Save my people.”

 

The air was taken from her lungs. Il felt like drowning, or what she imagined it would be. But Clarke couldn’t let herself sink. She needed to go to the bottom of this, to know how much damage she was going to sustain. _How dared Lexa assume Clarke would have gone behind her back the way she, by the look of things, did? How dared she justify it by throwing this assumption to her face as both a defense and an accusatory line?_

 

“Where are my people?”

 

Clarke asked calmly with contained fury. She forced her jaw to clench not to take a step forward and grab Lexa by the collar of her cloak to yell at her.

 

“I’m sorry Clarke, they weren’t part of the deal.”

 

Lexa continued with such detachment. Clarke had forgotten how cold and practical of a Commander Lexa could be, even when days ago she had been threatening Octavia’s life. Lexa's seeming vulnerability in the intimacy of their interaction had blindsided her.

She shouldn’t have been surprised for she had met the leader in wartime, being on both side of the enemy line. Yet, She knew the Lexa she came to know, the one that offered her to join her to Polis moments ago, was still there underneath it all, behind these piercing green eyes.

Clarke was lost for words as she watched, helpless, Emerson being freed with a victorious smirk on his face.

 

“You made the right choice Commander.” Emerson dared say to Lexa in a friendly manner, stealing a glance at Clarke while doing so.

 

Clarke felt like she could have done something there, anything. Grab Emerson. Force his hand at gunpoint. Shoot him on sight even. But that was underestimating the crippling force of Lexa’s betrayal on Clarke’s ability to act at all.

Lincoln made his way to where Lexa and Clarke faced each other, like in a standoff, gauging which one was going to be the first to crumble. From his tensed behavior, Clarke gathered that Lincoln hadn’t got a clue about the unfolding event, but had understood enough to show suspicion.

 

“What is this?”

 

“Your Commander’s made a deal.”

 

Clarke replied bluntly, not turning away from Lexa. She refused to break eye contact. Fire ignited behind her own. Brows furrowed. Anger took possession of her entire body, waves of frustration quivering along her skin. Clarke was infuriated by the Commander for getting back on her word and breaking the Alliance so easily. And she was mad at Lexa for making her feel like a fool. She had her believe in the greatness of leadership, valor, honor and her wish of a better tomorrow. Lexa had Clarke feel safe and understood, cared for and listened to. She had her fall for her, easing the ache from Finn’s death and the destruction of Ton DC. She had her.

 

“What about the prisoners from the Ark?” Lincoln asked, skeptical.

 

The fact that Lincoln was still trying to make sense of their predicament stirred Clarke from her internal self-loathing. Clarke had been played all along. She had reached the end of her usefulness, and so had the remaining Hundred.

 

“They’ll all be killed…but you don’t care about that do you?

 

“I do care Clarke. But I have made this decision with my head and not my heart. The duty to protect my people comes first.”

 

Lexa was driven by an excessive sense of obligation; Clarke would find it misleading at this very moment. However, Clarke understood that lashing out at Lexa would get her nowhere. Lexa had made up her mind, not even reason could help her case.

 

“Please don’t do this.”

 

‘ _To me’._ Clarke avoided to add. Clarke pleaded, earnestly. She was desperate to make Lexa reconsider her actions, not just for her but also for her people and the promise she’d made them. It was the only card she had left.

 

“I am sorry Clarke.”

 

Clarke’s head felt dizzy. Lincoln stepped in front of her to plead with his Commander as well but Clarke was not listening anymore. She felt a sharp pain in her chest. Lexa’s words were final and the ache menaced to pierce through her ribcage.

Emerson was by the door, ready to seek refuge in the belly of the mountain once the last Grounder prisoner stepped out. Clarke was in slow motion while things seemed to accelerate around her. Lexa called for retreat. Lincoln was seized by the guards. Clarke barely registered Lexa whispering a saying of her people, like she was acknowledging her with a goodbye and at the same time, letting her in on a secret, before leaving with her warriors.

 

‘ _May we meet again.’_

That was the moment. Clarke’s one defining moment in this war against Mount Weather. Somehow, those words made her snap out of her petrified state. From the corner of her eye, she saw Emerson take a step. She either accepted her cruel fate and collapsed on the ground right here right now, defeated and resigned by Lexa’s bed of lies, or she gathered her remaining senses to take a leap and chastise herself later for it. She had no time to think. So it was to no surprise to her when she ran after Emerson. Before anyone realized it and came her way to stop her, she was already crossing the threshold of the imposing mountain.

She heard startled voices calling her name anxiously, feet stomping the ground but it was already too late as the door had closed behind her.

It was completely reckless of Clarke. She’d been told more than once that going head first, headstrong, didn’t make the best of ideas. She did say it herself on a few occasions. They should have said it was completely and utterly stupid.

She acted on an impulse and, by the sense of the imposing silhouettes in front of her, she was going to pay for it sooner rather than later.

 

Emerson was incredulous. He did not expect such a bold move from freshly betrayed Clarke and he was savoring it. She swore he would have clapped if she had not grabbed her gun and made reality her previous thought of shooting him - in the leg, but still shooting him. _Ha! Who’s smirking now?! Easy Clarke, you’re loosing it._

It was a long time coming payback. He did try to kill her, twice. But hers was another idiotic move as she was now in the line of three assault rifles.

One of the men took a shot at her in reply and only made a flesh wound at her upper arm. Emerson had managed to take hold of the machine gun before the bullet took its aim.

 

“Stand down. We need her. She’s more precious alive. For now.”

 

Emerson stumbled back against the wall and asked for gauze. The farthest man from Emerson lowered his gun and went to tend to him, while the other two kept her in their line of vision without approaching. Blood was coloring her right arm. Good thing she was left-handed.

_Think Clarke. Now what? You’ve entered the Mountain. Great. It’s useless if you die in the next two minutes._

Since her sanity was already shredding, she might as well play the part. She needed to buy herself some time to think about how she was going to escape this situation. Clarke was pacing back and forth. She was starting to panic for good and decided to use it; draw strength from this unlikely conundrum. Then she remembered grabbing a flash grenade in the war tent after the debriefing with the Generals and the Sky People guards.

She had nothing and everything to lose. She rested her hand, the one that hold the gun, on the side of her head, rubbing it nervously, like she was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. She needed them to see her more as a broken little thing - most of her really was but she had no time to let it consume her there - than a threat. Being underestimated once more could be what would save her.

She continued her pacing with one arm up and the other stretching and clenching, eyes frantically not focusing on anything.

 

Emerson was now up again with a makeshift bandage around his thigh, one arm around the shoulder of the man who helped him keep balance. The other two were still taking aim at her but were clearly uncomfortable by the sight of her decline, like she was some wounded animal that should be put down. Emerson knew better. Their eyes met. He guessed the determination behind her pretense. He wanted to reach his side arm but proved to be too slow with the obstacle of his human crutch. One of his men made the mistake to turn his head and lower his riffle to address Emerson, leaving only one gun pointing at her. Clarke saw the opportunity. In one move, she regained her composure and shot the guard that still faced her. Before the others could react, she reached into her pocket, grabbed the grenade, and threw it in the middle of where they stood.

Clarke had barely the time to squat and hide her head in her arms before the grenade detonated. A bright white light overwhelmed them.

Clarke had closed her eyes but the detonation didn’t spare her ears. The high-pitched ringing was all the noise she could make out. She put one hand on the ground to steady her balance and with the other one aimed at where the men were stunned. She didn’t hesitate and shoot the two remaining guards, blood spilling over their torso. It was a shame than some of her people had died for them to walk around without a Hazmat suit only to see their blood wasted on the floor. But Clarke would rather have her people’s blood everywhere else than running through the veins of these barbaric human beings.

She quickly stood up and, in a swift move, shot Emerson, who had finally reached for his gun, in the arm, disarming him. She might hate this man’s guts but she needed him alive. For now. She smirked at the thought of his words targeted against him.

Clarke was on Level 1, the top level. She needed to get further inside the mountain but she had to rid herself of Emerson first. As she made her way to the staircase, she locked Emerson inside the first janitor closet she came across, using his access card.

She closed the door and quickly shot the card box, electrocuting the swipe system and rendering it useless, before giving Emerson the chance to have the drop on her.

She knew her way around the multiple corridors, helped by the indication on the walls and her memories of the place she had mapped out before escaping it. The emergency lights offered sufficient lighting so Clarke didn’t have to squint her eyes to determine her surroundings. Blowing up that dam had been a good plan. With the absence of working surveillance cameras and for the lack of human disturbances, Clarke guessed that the power might have been redirected to levels below, where it was most needed. She accelerated her pace, gun in hand, on the lookout, and made her way down.

She didn’t have a plan and had no idea where to look for her friends. She decided that she would start with Level 3 and the Harvest Chamber. If they were to be drained from their marrow, they needed to be contained; the cages made perfect sense. So she swiped the card she took from Emerson and entered the floor she remembered all too well. As she entered the Harvest Chamber, she was devastated to observe that her logic had failed her. It felt like she couldn’t do anything right since she stepped foot on that damn Mountain, that all that happened lately had been a lie. Clarke didn’t know anything anymore and felt so lost.

 

“It can’t be over.” Clarke murmured to herself as she stepped, head down, out of the room.

 

“It’s not.” Replied Octavia, startling Clarke, as she approached the blonde girl, sword in hand.

 

“Octavia, you stayed.” Clarke stated, matter-of-factly.

 

“Screw you. Of course I stayed. I know where my loyalties lie. Why did Lexa sound the retreat?” Octavia spat at her.

 

“She made a deal with Mount Weather, freed the Grounders. Now, we’re on our own.” Clarke divulged, reluctantly. She had had no time to fully process the betrayal but the reality of it was sinking in fast. She had to face that help would not come.

 

“What about Lincoln? There’s no way he would have gone along with a plan like this?”

 

Octavia was clever and quick-minded, and she was right. From the haziness that had surrounded her mind as she faced Lexa, Clarke could recall Lincoln’s opposition to letting the Sky People die.

 

“He didn’t. They took him.”

 

Clarke kicked the door behind her with the flat of her heel and walked across the corridor to lash out at the opposing wall, loosing her calm.

 

“What’s wrong with you?” Octavia harrumphed angrily.

 

“I think I’m loosing my mind.” Clarke sighed with a humorless laugh.

 

“And that’s your plan? Bellamy is counting on you. Everyone is always counting on you.” Octavia sneered at Clarke.

 

“What do you want from me?” Clarke shouted in defeat.

 

“You trusted Lexa. You let a bomb drop on Ton DC. You let all those people…” Octavia snarled.

 

“I am doing the best I can.” Clarke cut off her rant.

 

“Well. It’s not good enough.” Octavia retorted coldly, with a frighteningly even voice.

 

And it was true. Clarke had done everything in her power to keep her people from harm.

She had risked her life time and time again to make sure that no one would ever land a hand on them. The Mountain had her failed her promise and her trust had doomed them all. She was only human but she was adamant to rectify her wrongdoings. She would do better, make things right, even if it were the last thing she’d do.

 

“The floor is clear.”

 

Clarke and Octavia turned to see Bellamy appear around the corner. He stopped in his tracks, seeing Clarke standing with his sister. And Clarke saw him; he was a few feet from her, alive and well, and he had not been captured. Relief flowed over Clarke. Monty and Jasper were in tow. Octavia left Clarke’s side as her brother approached and went to hug the duo.

 

“I knew you were too scrawny to drill.” Octavia said as she embraced them.

 

Octavia stepped back when Maya slowly appeared in a Hazmat suit. Following Octavia’s glance, Jasper looked over his shoulder.

 

“She’s with us.” Jasper informed, motioning towards Maya. Clarke took the information in before returning her attention to Bellamy.

 

“Where’s your army?” He enquired.

 

“Gone. Just like yours.” Clarke replied, eyes bleak.

 

Bellamy looked flabbergasted at the news and Clarke couldn’t blame him. But she needed him to be the one who always had her back, the leader that made their teamwork successful, the brother that went to great length to protect his sister. She needed him more than ever; her rattled self couldn’t go on without support any longer.

 

“Say you have a plan.” Clarke pleaded.

 

“Not really. We need to talk to Dante. He’s on this floor, in quarantine. They left him behind.” Bellamy proposed.

 

“Clarke!” Jasper exhaled with obvious joy as he enveloped her in a tight embrace. Monty joined them in the hug and Clarke reciprocated with force for she thought her friends locked up, or worse.

 

She opened her eyes and lifted her head to look at Maya, shyly staying a few steps away from the group. Clarke had mistrusted the Mountain girl and she was grateful she had been wrong about her intentions. She locked her eyes on Maya and mouthed a silent ‘thank you’. Maya nodded back when her oxygen regulator beeped. Jasper unlocked himself from Monty and Clarke, and went to Maya.

 

“30 minutes. We just changed it, that can’t be right. It’s her last tank.” Jasper panicked as he checked the needle of the air dial. Clarke stepped closer to Maya, regaining her composure, and addressed her with confidence.

 

“We’ll find you another one.”

 

“All the supplies for the oxygen is on Level 5.” Maya disclosed, trying to remain levelheaded.

 

“Then we have to get you to Level 5” Jasper said, determined.

 

“5 isn’t safe for any of us.” Maya reminded him.

 

“We’ll take the trash chute to get in, it’ll work.” Jasper continued, dismissing that fact.

 

“To get in maybe. Maya’s right; every soldier in this mountain is there. You’ll never make it out.” Bellamy phrased his concern. If they were made, it was suicide.

 

“We can do this. We’ll split up.” Jasper pushed on. He would not let Maya die, not when he could prevent it.

 

“Okay. Contingency plan. You guys go for Dante. We’ll help Maya.” Octavia decided for the group.

 

The small, unprepared group marched on and split up at the next intersection. Clarke’s group, composed of Bellamy and Monty, took left and went towards the Quarantine Ward. Jasper, Octavia and Maya turned right and disappeared around a corner.

 

It felt strange for Clarke to come back to the place she loathed. Level 3 was the floor she woke up to several weeks ago and through which she escaped a few days later. How ironic it was to find the fallen President in the very room she’d occupied.

They entered the pristine white room. At first, Dante stayed seated on the bed, back to them. When he turned his head to see who had intruded his space so carelessly, he saw Clarke emerge from behind Bellamy and Monty. So he stood up and greeted her defiantly.

 

“Hello Clarke.”

 

“Sir. We need your help again.”

 

Bellamy tried to make him react but Dante wasn’t listening to him. He only had eyes for Clarke, the girl who had discovered the secret of their miracle healing and made serious dents to their survival plan.

 

“It’s okay. We took out the cameras from the junction box in the hall. We can talk freely.” Monty reassured, thinking Dante would not talk if he believed they were under surveillance.

 

Most of the cameras might have been out of order in all the non-essential levels but Monty had assured they had some independent systems to supply power to security cameras in departments they judged sensitive. Clarke might have not known if Dante was considered as sensitive but she had let him work his magic nonetheless.

 

“No one’s watching anywhere. Thanks to you, they’re all on Level 5.” Dante scolded Bellamy and Monty, as if they were misbehaving children.

 

“You’re not.” Clarke remarked. She was curious to know the reason behind his isolation. She was about to ask him when Bellamy cut her off.

 

“Please. We don’t have much time. We need a way to get our people out of this mountain without killing everyone.”

 

Bellamy wanted to stick to the initial plan of rescuing their people without shedding unnecessary blood. She admired his determination but she recognized something in Dante’s eyes, something she saw less than an hour ago in Lexa’s eyes, something she felt behind her own eyes - he would do anything to save his people.

 

“He’s not gonna help us.” Clarke voiced.

 

“You cut the power, risking the life of everyone in this mountain. My people. Even the ones who helped you.”

 

Clarke walked to him, halting mere inches from his face.

 

“We knew they’d be safe on Level 5. We made sure not to destroy the turbines so you could repair them. We are the good guys here, not you.”

 

Clarke flared up, losing her patience and letting her exasperation show. Dante remained calm and defying, a smirk in his eyes Clarke would gladly smack.

 

“Tell me. If we released your people and theirs, what would have happened to mine?”

 

Clarke shook her head to breathe and keep her control. Dante was not going to be cooperative and it got on her nerves. She rolled her shoulders to relieve some pressure and turned to Monty. If Dante would not help them, they had to find a way around him.

 

“Can you get us in the Command Center. We need to see what’s happening on Level 5?”

 

“No problem.”

 

“Let’s go.” Bellamy grabbed Dante by the arm and pulled him toward the door. Dante resisted and planted his feet on the ground.

 

“Wait. I have to stay here.”

 

Clarke remembered her previous thought about Dante’s presence away from his people. She had to ask, her curiosity needed that answer.

 

“Why aren’t you with your people on Level 5?”

 

“Deliverance comes at a cost. I bear it so they don’t have to.” He recited, sternly. Clarke understood. She had herself paid a great price to stand right where she was, in order to have a chance to save her people.

 

“It wasn’t Cage. It was your idea to make the deal with the Grounders. You could have prevented all of this. You can stop this.”

 

Bellamy deduced, like he had with Gustus. Dante proudly nodded. And Clarke looked disconcerted; the man in front of her had always been fair to her, as far as illusion of freedom went. She should have guessed that the strategy behind the deal needed a mastermind, one with an iron fist in a velvet glove. And Cage was far from smooth in his dealings.

 

“I won’t do that.” Dante simply stated.

 

“If you don’t let my people go, I’ll kill you.” Clarke threatened. Negotiating, or lack thereof, was getting old. Her people followed her for a reason. She had to show Dante what she was made of.

 

“How do I know you won’t kill me anyway?”

 

“You don’t.” Clarke answered flatly.

 

“You won’t do it.” Dante challenged.

 

“You don’t know me very well.”

 

“The course of events is out of my hands. I’m not in charge anymore.”

 

“You had enough influence left to persuade the Commander to take the deal. Divide and conquer right. This ends now and you will come with us.”

 

“I can’t help you. It would mean the end of my people Clarke.”

 

Clarke spun around and lifted her gun at Dante, resolute to sway him or act on her threat.

 

“Clarke we need him.” Bellamy pleaded.

 

“And I need him to believe me. If he doesn’t help us then he dies. He’s a liability.” Clarke retorted. “Don’t make me do this.” Clarke added, now addressing Dante.

 

“If I fall, I know Cage will take care of my people. None of us has a choice here Clarke.”

 

“I didn’t want this.”

 

“Neither did I.”

 

And then Clarke shot him in the chest, point blank. Dante had been buying time, time Clarke and her friends couldn’t waste. Dante had difficulties to breathe as blood spread over his shirt. He stepped back and when his legs met the bed, he let himself fall on it in a seating position. Clarke still had her gun aimed at him, tears brimming in her eyes. She looked down at the floor as Dante took a final breath and his body slumped on his side.

 

“Let’s move” Clarke ordered as she walked out the room, wiping her eyes and passing in front of her two shocked friends, but neither said a word and followed behind her.

 

They went down to Level 7 and arrived in front of the Command Center door. Monty stepped before Clarke and kneeled in front of the panel. He dismantled the swipe box and tinkered with the wires, creating a short-circuit that opened the door – Emerson’s access card having been given to the other group.

 

“Got it.” Monty said as he stood up to enter behind Clarke and Bellamy. Bellamy entered the Control Room first, checking the place for any threat.

 

“It’s clear. He was telling the truth.” Bellamy assessed.

 

“Let’s get the monitors on.”

 

Monty obeyed and went to the computers as Clarke closed the door behind them. Clarke paced around the room while Monty clicked, rolled and typed away. Bellamy remained still in a corner, arms crossed over his chest. It took two minutes for Monty to enter the system and less than five to access the camera feeds. He pressed ENTER and the screens came to life.

 

“The Command Center’s alive.”

 

“Oh my God.” Clarke blurted out, as the first thing she took notice of was Raven being strapped to a table.

 

“Is that Raven?” Bellamy asked, disbelieving, not expecting an actual answer. His eyes weren’t lying but he couldn’t wrap his mind around the cruelty of the scene he was witnessing. Clarke came closer to the screen that showed the room where her people were held prisoners.

 

“Bellamy…” Clarke didn’t need to finish her sentence. Bellamy was not a mind reader but in this moment, they were thinking the same thing. Clarke couldn’t do anything from the Control Room; Bellamy had to go.

Bellamy grabbed a walkie-talkie from a rack and handed it to Clarke, setting it to channel 4, a channel he had previously used after checking it wasn’t already occupied, before grabbing another one for himself and setting it the same. They were having a silent conversation when Monty broke their eye contact.

 

“We got a problem. I bring it up on the main monitor.”

 

“No…she got to get out of there.” Bellamy said in a breath as he looked up.

 

The screen showed Octavia fighting soldiers on Level 5. Clarke was impressed by her rapidity and dexterity. She turned to Bellamy and saw the profound worry in his eyes. He had come to Earth to protect his sister and his worst fear was happening in front of him.

 

“Go.” Clarke said softly but firmly.

 

“Clarke. I won’t let you in here by yourself.”

 

“I’ll be ok. I’ll lock the door. Besides, I have Monty.” She tried to reassure him so he would not linger.

 

“You’re sure?” Bellamy asked though he knew he wouldn’t stay and she wouldn’t let him.

 

“Yes. Now go.” Clarke pressed him.

 

“Ok, we stay in touch. 4 is our line. Others are Cage’s men’s. Remember, I don’t take orders from you Princess.” Bellamy added with a wink.

 

Clarke let a small smile break on her features, seeing right through Bellamy’s false confidence, and looked at him before he departed. As soon as the door shut, Clarke schooled her face and turned to Monty.

 

“What do we do?” Monty asked her, still facing the computer.

 

Clarke thought for a second and lifted her hand, bringing the walkie-talkie Bellamy had given her, to her face. She didn’t know Cage’s whereabouts but she was absolutely certain he would hear her words. She switched the channel to 1, deciding to try each until she was heard by the one person she sought, listening in before speaking. Luckily, her first try was the right one.

 

“Cage, listen to me very carefully. You may have been informed that you have recalcitrant delinquents walking freely around your base. You think you have thwarted my plan but I regret to inform you that I am here and that I intent to see it through. I will not stop until my people are free. If you don’t let them go, I will irradiate Level 5. I don’t want anyone else to die but I will not hesitate if I have to come to this. So stop the drilling and let’s talk. There must be a way to get us all out of this.”

 

Monty looked closely at the monitors and saw a silhouette move to talk to the soldiers in the room where their friends were currently being tortured.

 

“Cage is in the dorm room.” He informed Clarke.

 

“Monty. Can you do it? Can you irradiate the level?”

 

“I can do it. But are you sure you want to do this?”

 

“No. But then give me a better idea.” She wished he would come up with an alternative but they were overpowered and outnumbered. With the Grounder army, they had a chance to save as many people as possible from every side, but Clarke and her army of five didn’t weigh much on their own. Irradiation was both plausible and possible. Clarke hoped only that she scared Cage enough so she wouldn’t have to annihilate the entire population.

 

“If we do this, there is no going back.” Monty tried again.

 

“Figure it out.” Clarke said before switching the channel back to 4.

 

“Bellamy, Cage is in the dorm room with the prisoners.” She let go of the talk button and heard static before Bellamy’s voice came through.

 

“On my way to get O. We’ll figure something out with Maya’s input from there.”

 

“Be careful.”

 

“You too.” Static came through the walkie once more and Clarke switched back to 1.

 

“Why didn’t you tell him about your plan?” Monty asked, pausing over the keyboard and looking at Clarke over his shoulder.

 

“He already has a lot to think about. It is my responsability. He doesn’t need to know about it right now.” Clarke said, walking towards the monitors.

 

 

Clarke paced behind Monty’s chair, her eyes straining on the screens, hoping Bellamy would reach Jasper and Octavia in time, and that Cage would come forward. When she didn’t hear Monty typing on the keyboard anymore, she stopped and leaned over his shoulder.

 

“Why did you stop?”

 

“I’m in. I did it. All we have to do is pull this lever. Hatches and vents will open and the screws will reverse pulling in outside air.” Monty had overridden the computer securities and found the manual access to the ventilation system.

 

“There is no ‘we’. Bellamy, Jasper, Octavia…they have to get inside that dorm. And they’re going to need your help. Monty, you have to go find the others.”

 

Monty didn’t question her and took the walkie-talkie from Clarke’s hand and turned one of the buttons, testing a channel like Bellamy did, before grabbing a walkie for himself and handing back Clarke’s.

 

“I’ll be on channel 5 until I find the others. I’ll set one walkie for us to hear all channels. If someone is trying to contact you, there’ll be a bip. The channel of the incoming communication will appear on the front screen. We’ll let you know when we get the door to open.” With a puzzled look, Clarke nodded and patted Monty on the shoulder.

 

 

One moment, Clarke stood alone in the Control Room, monitoring each channels while keeping an eye on the population and catching glimpses of her friends walking around the premises. The next, she faced the barrel of a gun aiming at her.

 

Clarke and Cage were facing each other, both halfway to the control panel and the lever. Clarke only had to push a button and lower the lever to finish the Mountain Men. She did not want to come to this but would go forth with her threat if she had no other choice to get her people free.

 

Cage had managed to leave the dorm room. He had done so, unhurt and unseen by Clarke’s accomplices. He knew the cameras’ emplacement and hiding spots too well. He had stepped inside the Control Room from a secret panel, using the passages hidden behind the concrete walls to his own gain. He had been quick and stealthy.

He got out of there, gun at the ready, preventing Clarke to execute her action at his sight. She was held at gunpoint, again. Her own handgun was in her hand that brushed her thigh. Clarke had been taken by surprise and her reflexes had not been quick enough.

Cage walked to the door Clarke had locked, looking her straight in the eyes. He walked slowly backwards as he spoke, gun still aiming at her in his unshaking hand.

 

“Oh Clarke, you truly are an impressive young girl. But you’re a fool thinking you could come back and win this…what should we call it? Not a war for sure. Not now that you have no army. The Commander was so predictable don’t you think? Mmmm…Maybe not. What do you say?”

 

Cage had reached the door and unlocked it, before swinging it open. Clarke waited in anticipation, thinking she might meet her end with whoever stood behind these walls. But to Clarke’s relief, no one came bursting in.

 

“Small talk? Really? You really are full of yourself, aren’t you?”

 

“There there, Clarke. Don’t bite the hand that sheltered and gave you food.”

 

“What about the one who lie and kill? You might think you’re tall and mighty confined under the Mountain but you’re just a scared daddy’s boy.”

 

“Now you’re just insulting. I don’t see any savage with you, do I?”

 

“As if it was of your making. Your father didn’t have to tell me he was the one who came up with the deal. Not you. It was all too obvious. After all, you’ve managed to really piss everyone off in what? A week? Your father at least had the decency to feel guilty about using us.”

 

“My father will come around. I suppose your friend, who’s been a real pain since he snuck in by the way, is holding him hostage. Bargaining won’t help. My father knows that.”

 

“We are past over bargaining. You’ll find your father where you left him. He was of no use anyway.”

 

Cage let out a snarl, showing how inhuman he truly was on the inside. Clarke eyed the computer station; she only had to push one button. When it looked like she was going to move, Cage shot the ground before her feet. That stopped her short.

 

“Try that again and the next one won’t miss.” He warned her with a dark voice. Cage held up his walkie-talkie and pushed the button to talk.

 

“Are you in place?”

 

“Yes Sir.” A voice replied. Clarke recognized that voice. She had memorized it all too well – Emerson. Clarke thought the man was resourceful. She should have knocked him out instead of just locking him up.

 

“Now let me show you something that might change your mind Clarke.”

 

Cage played with the keyboard to his right, accessing the video feeds. Clarke had not asked Monty how to control the cameras. They hadn’t have time and she had needed him elsewhere, since they knew where to look and Jasper had a wireless pad connected to the security cameras. The main screens in the control room showed hallways, the mess hall…the entirety of level 5 where the population of the Mountain has been gathered. She had stared at them, avoiding the one that made her feel helpless and useless. The big screen went dark for a brief second then switched to depict an image – one of utter horror. Clarke watched, stomached, as the soldiers were lining up, facing the Sky prisoners, some attached to the walls, some thrown on their knees at their feet. She recognized one face. One she thought was far from this place – her mother. Her blood went cold in her veins. Cage was ecstatic to see it had the effect he was looking for. Clarke had killed his father without warning. It was only fair for her to suffer the same fate.

Clarke watched, dread radiating further in her body, as Emerson grabbed effortlessly her mother from the table she had been drilled into and forced her to her knees, throwing her on the floor. Emerson looked directly at the camera as he held a gun to her head.

 

“I’ve been told this is your mother. She’s going to be the first to die. Then one at a time. We only have a few minutes to extract the bone marrow after death but I grew tired of all the whining. Aren’t you people supposed to be tougher?”

 

“You’re going to pay for this!”

 

“Yeah? Well, what’s the point of fighting it Clarke? You’ll serve a great cause. We were always meant to be above ground, out in the open, as you were supposed to leave space. Be proud, you’ll be part of this.”

 

“I’ll never let you use my people like spare parts.”

 

“But you already have.”

 

Her radio crackled. So did Cage’s and the speakers. From what Clarke could see on the monitors, all receptors seemed to be. Then their walkies let out a strident noise, so did everything else. Both Clarke and Cage suffered from it. Cage covered the ear on the side of his free hand whilst Clarke remained still, fighting the urge to block the nuisance out. The noise went on for a few more seconds before they heard another crackle then rustle and muffled voices.

 

“Told you I’d get it…” Monty said proudly.

 

“You’re pushing the button you idiots.” Bellamy scolded them.

 

“Give me this…Hello?! Hi. This is Jasper. Dear people of Mount Weather, you’ve chosen the wrong people to mess with. Oh, and the Commander sends her regards.”

 

This was probably what Monty had allusively informed her about when he talked about the dorm doors and checking in with her. But Clarke’s stoicism faltered at the mention of Lexa. Cage’s eyes widened when he saw Bellamy flanked with grounder warriors flung themselves at the soldiers. Clarke used the distraction to reach the computer. She didn’t get the chance to approach it enough as she heard a gunshot. She was startled when she saw Cage shrugged, gun smoking. He smirked as he waved his walkie-holding hand, showing her he had kept the button pushed during the shot.

Clarke looked at him in question before she felt something warm flow on her stomach. As she looked down her left side, she saw red spots appear on the blue fabric of her shirt. Blood was seeping through the threads and the pain was coming and going with her intake of air. She pressed against the gunshot wound with her right hand and took a few steps back in a daze. Cage lowered his gun.

 

“I don’t give empty threat Clarke. You should have listened. Pick one.”

 

Cage offered her, as his soldiers had mostly survived and had killed half of the grounders that had entered and subdued the others. Bellamy was on his knees, hands placed on his head. He looked like he had put up a hell of a fight. Clarke deflated. She could not understand what Cage expected of her, or maybe she did not want to.

 

“What?” Clarke asked, still astounded.

 

“Pick one. Killing your mother will sure bring you down. Your punishment for disobeying me is for you to choose who I’m going to kill before her.”

 

“This is not a game. I’d rather die myself.” Clarke spat, anger taking over.

 

“Oh you will but not yet. Now pick.” Cage said as he casually waved his gun, encompassing all the prisoners on the screen.

 

“No.” Clarke stood her ground.

 

“You’re no fun Clarke.” Cage said in a mock whine while taping the barrel of his gun to his chin.

 

“You’re sick.”

 

Cage took a more serious stance and pushed the button of the walkie-talkie, knowing that he would be heard by the group that managed to hack the communication system.

 

“Your leader Clarke paid for my mistake with her blood and now will be the one to choose which one of you is going to pay for hers.”

 

“Never.” Clarke reiterated.

 

“Emerson, you are needed back here. Sandoval, kill one of them. Leave the mother out.”

 

Clarke fought against the blood loss, pushing harder and harder on the wound. She could only look at the monitor as one of the Hundred, one she couldn’t remember the name, was dragged away from the others and coldly executed. She clenched her fist against her stomach. Blood dripped from her hand to the floor. She slowly looked back at Cage with hatred and resolution. If she had to die so her people could live, so be it. She would take all the Mountain Men with her.

Cage reveled in his victory. He got too confident about his apparent success, savoring it as he looked at Sandoval picking another one of her people, too proud and too cocky to have learned from his previous distraction. Clarke moved to the computer as she pointed her gun at Cage. As if both were in sync, they fired at the same time. Clarke was a good shot and hit Cage in the head. Cage didn’t get a good angle and hit Clarke under her right collarbone. The shot was clean; it was a through and through, but that meant more blood leaving Clarke’s body. She reached the control panel during the course of the action. As she faced the desk, she leaned over to overlook the keyboard. She felt dizzy and her peripheral vision darkened. She set her hand, that was still holding the gun, on the desk to help support her weakening body and keep her balance. She took a deep breath and pressed ENTER with a bloody, shaking hand. She lost blood too fast. She could feel the cold enveloping her.

She felt her legs give out underneath her. As she collapsed, she grabbed the lever, letting the toxic air in with her fall.

 

Clarke was on the floor, her eyes going in and out of focus. She couldn’t see the screens from where she laid. She didn’t know if her plan had worked, if Bellamy and the warriors were safe to free the prisoners. She hadn’t seen Lexa anywhere and hoped her presence had made a difference. She tried to control her breathing but could feel the taste of copper in her throat. She had both hands applying pressure when she heard footsteps coming her way.

She looked around her and found her gun had fell at the side of her leg. Painfully, she reached for it as she slithered on the floor. When she set herself on her back to look up, she discovered Emerson hovering over her. His face showed a wide range of emotions and all of them presumed nothing good for Clarke. She detected desolation and sorrow but also revenge. She must have done it. She must have killed them. However she felt no joy in it. Her face was a grimace of pain, both physical and psychological.

 

“Lieutenant Carl Emerson. Mount Weather security detail. How’s the leg?” Clarke sarcastically addressed the man with a weak voice.

 

“I will make you regret it, bitch!” He spat at her.

 

“That sounds pretty bad but I don’t speak asshole.” Clarke retorted.

 

As an answer, Emerson stepped on Clarke’s shoulder wound, making her scream in pain. She heard him cock the hammer of his gun, slowly maneuvering to bring it above her face so she could see what was coming. Clarke looked at the gun then focused on his eyes. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction to see her break in defeat. She despised him. She defied him. She welcomed him. As Emerson was about to pull the trigger, he dropped his gun, which miraculously didn’t land on Clarke’s face, and let out a gut-wrenching scream. She looked away from his head to see he was missing a limb; his arm had been chopped off. Clarke turned her head to the opposite direction in time to watch Lexa charge him. She was a sight to behold, even upside down.

Clarke followed her moves - fluid, concise, deathly precise. Lexa finished him in two swings of her sword.

 

“I did not walk away to save you earlier so you could die now in this tomb. I forbid it Clarke.”

 

Pain shot through Clarke’s body as Lexa knelt next to her, bent down and pushed Clarke’s hands away to have a better look at her injury. Lexa knew she had to slow the bleeding down.

She straightened up and began to pull at her Commander red sash attached at the pauldron. She delicately slid it under Clarke’s back, placed it around Clarke’s middle, wrapped it once more behind Clarke’s back and tied a knot directly above the wound, tightening it as much as she could. She looked around to find some more cloth to tend to Clarke’s shoulder injury and the flesh wound on her arm, and her eyes fell on Cage’s body. She got up quickly and tore at his shirt, wishing she could have had the occasion to see him suffer.

 

“Tell me you’re going to…hold…me. Stay…please.”

 

Clarke didn’t know why she asked that, but she could see lights dancing before her eyes and feel her head wobbling. Lexa pulled Clarke to have her upper body rest on her lap. She put an arm behind Clarke’s neck to help her lift her head to give her some water, taking the water skin from her belt. Clarke’s eyes flickered and she couldn’t focus on anything. She chocked on the water when she caught sight of the bottom of one of the screens. It was one that showed the Mess Hall and all she could perceive was an assembly of inert disfigured bodies. Lexa wiped the water and the blood from Clarke’s mouth with her sleeve and looked up at the screen. She knew Clarke was scoping the full extent of her action. She cupped Clarke’s chin and forced the girl to look at her.

 

“I need to get you out of here.”

 

“It’s too late.” Clarke whispered with greeted teeth at a surge of pain.

 

“Clarke, you have told me once that you needed my spirit to stay where it was. Now I need yours to do the same.”

 

“I’ll try.” Clarke smiled weakly.

 

“This is not good enough. Fight.” Lexa ordered, tightening her grip on the Sky Girl.

 

“I promise.” Clarke said, melting in the all-encompassing emotional green of Lexa’s eyes.

 

Lexa helped Clarke up. She could barely stand on her feet. Lexa grabbed Clarke’s left arm and put it over her shoulder, keeping Clarke’s wrist in her hand. Lexa wrapped her free arm around Clarke’s waist.

 

“We should try the elevator now there’s no one to stop us.” Clarke said, tentatively.

 

“The stairs are safe. I had my warriors secure Level 3 and its accesses.” Lexa protested.

 

“The elevator is faster and less painful.” Clarke explained as she winced, taking a full breath.

 

“Where is this elevator?” Lexa did not know what Clarke was refereeing to but she would not argue the well or dumb-funded of Clarke’s choice to use it, not if it would bring her sooner to her healer.

 

“At the next intersection…on the right.” Clarke directed with a movement of her chin.

 

Lexa did not like confined space, especially when she had several tones of rock between her and the sky. She particularly disliked this ‘elevator’ as the space was even narrower but she had to hand it to Clarke, it was faster and they were keeping their strength. Clarke put her weight fully on Lexa, no longer able to stand on her trembling legs.

As soon as the elevator reached Level 3, the door opened and they were met with swords and bows.

When the warriors recognized their Heda, they lowered their weapons and parted before her. Her warriors moved in formation to form a protective barrier around the two leaders.

In her semi-conscious state, Clarke caught Lexa’s stare as they passed by the sign that said ‘Restricted Area. Hazardous Content.’

 

“This is the room with the cages, where Anya and I found a way to escape. I’m not sure I want to go back in.”

 

“We do not need to go in there. The access to the tunnels is open and the Reapers have been taken care of on the way in. All is alright Clarke.”

 

All was all right except for Clarke’s state. Clarke felt her body failing her. As she stumbled in a whimper, she felt herself being lifted off the ground. When the blur in her eyes dissipated, she saw Lexa’s worried face close to hers. Unable to remain strong, Clarke let her head fall on Lexa’s shoulder. She closed her eyes for what felt like minutes, trying to match her breathing with Lexa’s heart she could hear beating in her chest. But when she opened her eyes again, she realized they had reached the outside as she could smell the fresh air and distinguish the faint flickers of stars. Then she lost consciousness, and all was black and quiet.

 

Lexa kept Clarke in her arms from the Mountain to the War Camp. She would not speak nor look down at the ashen face of her Sky Princess whose breathing, already shallow, became more and more labored. The trip to the War Camp was not a long walk but Lexa had to concentrate on walking straight and fast, readjusting her grip when the burn in her arms grew too painful. Her warriors had offered to relieve her and carry Clarke themselves but Lexa would not let go of her, as if her grip, the touching of their bodies were like a lifeline they were both holding on to. And finally, with evident exhaustion, Lexa had her camp in sight.

 

Lexa made out Nyko, from afar, in the crowd back at her camp.

Some of Clarke’s released friends had stopped by it on their way to the Sky People’s camp. They were helped with food and water. Some of the warriors that had accompanied her into the mountain were being treated in the middle of the camp. Nyko was bandaging the Raven girl. Lexa did not want Clarke’s people to see her lifeless form, blood pouring from several places on her body. Lexa did not want to start a commotion with worried teenagers. She discreetly rounded the camp to enter her tent by its back entrance and delicately rested Clarke on her bed before running back out. She could not let her presence be known to the Sky People. She hid herself from the revealing light the moon cast, in the shadow of the flap of her tent. Nyko was a few feet away, still tending to the wounded. Lexa had to catch his attention. She cupped her hands to her mouth, pressed her thumbs together, cradled her palms with the rest of her fingers and blew, creating the sound of a hoot. It was a signal warriors corresponded with when on a hunt.

Lexa saw Nyko prick up his ears at the sound. Lexa repeated the process so he would locate her. Nyko slowly stood up and stealthily walked in the shadow of the tent without alarming the people massed in front of his Commander. Nyko opened his eyes wide at the view of the blood the leader was soaked in.

 

“Ai gaf yu fisa.” ( _I need you healer_.)

 

“Sha, Heda.” ( _Yes, Commander_.)

 

Nyko went to help the Commander but she waved him off of her, instead grabbing him by the arm and pulling him inside to Clarke. Nyko opened his eyes even wider. He had come to like the Sky leader. She appeared unresponsive and covered in more blood a body contained.

 

“Naikou, em ge led op nou gud. Ai don get klin bilaik em ge frag op ba em kik raun. Em gon raun. Fis em op!” ( _Nyko. She is badly injured. I thought she had been killed but she lives. She fights. Heal her!_ )

 

Nyko nodded. He would do his best, knowing that failure would bring pain to his Commander and even greater physical suffering to him.

He would tend to the girl for he knew how important she was. He went to work and Lexa stood still by the bed with a bleeding heart that beat away in her chest.

  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that happened!! my initial idea was to bring more obstacles to Lexa as she carried Clarke out. The elevator was supposed to stop at Level 5 (to serve the plot). They couldn’t avoid taking a corridor that passed by the Mess Hall. Clarke would have suffered the climb of the stairs to Level 3 where they would have stepped inside the Harvest Chamber, use the trap door and Lexa would have put Clarke in a wagon to transport her while fighting remaining Reapers. It was great and showed a resourceful and unstoppable Lexa. But Lexa’s warriors would have not left her, which added a continuity problem. Then there is the length of this chapter: a lot of things are already happening. What do you think? Should I have gone with more Lexa action? There is a reason I eluded her point of view though ;)


	3. Chapter 2: Conscience Killer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's recovery from Mount Weather

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDITED: 09/14/2015
> 
> like the others: corrections for mistakes and the change of Clarke's title from Wamplei kom Skai to Wanheda!!

**Chapter 2**

**Conscience Killer**

 

 

 

Lexa was sat on a log at the entrance of her tent while Nyko tended to Clarke. She was sharpening her dagger. She had always felt the noise of the stone against the blade was soothing. It kept her mind clear. That night, it did not. Lexa’s mind kept replaying the battle of the Mountain.

 

_Lexa went on the ridge to take care of the men who had decimated her people when they had tried to reach the door. She was surprised to be met with only half a dozen of Mountain Men there. None of the soldiers shot them down when they were in sight. She advanced on them. They did not shoot either, none used their guns and barely resisted when they were attacked, which was evidently abnormal but Lexa couldn’t care less at the time. They killed them all._

 

_“Well, well Commander. You truly are a vision.”_

_Lexa turned around at the sound of the clear and confident voice. Walking out of the shadows came a man that didn’t look surprised at all as if he were expecting her. Lexa went to kill him as well and was stopped when he held a device in front of him that showed her her people._

_“My name is Emerson. I have something to offer you.”_

_That name. Clarke had told Lexa about him. How he was the one behind the attack on her way to Camp Jaha and the bombing of Ton DC. Lexa hated that he was enjoying himself in this moment._

_“So do I.” Lexa retorted, a devilish grin on her face as she raised her sword and pointed the blade at him. She promised to herself that he would die a painful death, for Clarke, for the dead of the village and all of her people who had disappeared over the years._

_“Are you sure you want to do that? I’ve been ordered by my President to talk to you. But it’s a one-time deal. Consider you next move carefully.”_

_Lexa did not like the haughty tone he addressed her with but she lowered her sword nonetheless and signaled her warriors to stand back. She approached Emerson and stopped a few feet from him._

_“I am listening.” She said grinding her teeth._

_“My President is ready to let your people go and unharmed.” Emerson stated then paused._

_“How is this a deal? Or do you think me naive to believe the word of your leader has no condition?”_

_“There is a condition. Your people can go back to their primitive lives as long as you agree to keep off the Mountain and do not attempt to attack us in any way.”_

_“What about the Sky People?”_

_“The deal is only for your people. The others don’t concern you. And if you attempt to cross us, their leader, Clarke, will be killed. I have a sniper aiming at her. If he doesn’t get my signal in five minutes, he’ll shoot her and we’ll kill every one last of your people.”_

_They had a plan. It was a strong plan. She had not counted on the possibility Mountain Men outsmarted her this way though. She had to be smarter. She could not look weak in front of her warriors but she also could not abandon her people. She had to take the deal. On the short term, she had no other choice but to accept the offer and see the outcome she came here for, for her people. But she could not leave the Sky People to their death either. This would also be seen as weakness by her people. Mountain Men were their enemies._

_Lexa remembered when Clarke shot through Lincoln, to kill the Mountain Man, after calling him her people. Lexa had sensed at that moment that their Alliance would be special. Clarke might not always agree with their way of life but she respected it enough to make it work._

_Lexa had sworn to herself she would do anything in her power to help her achieve peace_. _They did not go to such length to just run. Blood would answer for blood. Clarke would not die tonight. This was a minor set back. One she already knew how to counter. The Mountain Men meant nothing to her. They had drained her people’s blood for far too long. She did not care about breaking this deal; her word would mean nothing to dead people. But she played her part well, showing indecision and resolution on her face._

_“You have a deal.” She agreed, feigning a sigh. Lexa knew she had won that part when Emerson grinned and talked to someone with a device she had seen the Sky People use._

_“Stand down. Clarke is a no-go. Wilson, bring the prisoners to the door.”_

_Lexa did not move as she listened to Emerson distributing orders. When he holstered the device to his belt, she took it as a sign she could now make her own request._

_“As a show of good faith from your people, I will require you to be tied up and led down. When, and only when, I see my people exiting will I let you free. Do we have an understanding?”_

_“Why not?” Emerson amusingly answered which made Lexa’s blood boil in her veins._

_When Lexa went back to Clarke, she had no idea how excruciating their face-off would be. She knew she had to keep up appearances even though her heart screamed at her to stop the charade for Clarke’s sake and consider her actions afterwards. Giving in to her heart would mean the death of everybody of ground and sky’s blood._

_So she stood in front of Clarke as impassive as her emotions let her and put up with the hurt, the pain, the sadness, the confusion, the anger…that came her way._

_She silently pleaded with Clarke to just be patient, to understand that she did what was required of her, that being a Commander came with responsibilities. Lexa wished Clarke could see through the mask that she would not be alone, that they would fight this war together._

 

_When the massive door of the Mountain shut behind Clarke, Lexa’s eyes went dead. Her back was turned, hiding her pain as she went to walk away, when she heard Lincoln scream Clarke’s name. She had instinctively run towards the door, calling to the woman she cared for. Of all the possibilities she had imagined on her way back down to Clarke, never did she think that the blonde girl would be swallowed whole by rock and mortar. Damn it Clarke. Lexa did not understand the meaning of the feelings that were emerging deep inside but she could not let this be her last memory of the girl that saved her from emptiness. She was not seeking forgiveness anymore. Instead, she let way to pure rage. The Mountain would fall tonight, one way or another._

 

_The army had retread as per instruction, only the warriors of the Trikru stayed behind hidden in the forest._

_“Indra. I need you to lead our people home.”_

_“Heda?” Indra was confused by the command._

_“I trust that you will care for them until they are returned to their families.”_

_“Heda, do not compromise yourself for those people.”_

_“Mind your tongue Indra. I act as Commander. I will stand by the Alliance and see the rescue of our allies through.”_

_“Yes Heda.” Indra conceded and bowed._

_“I will join you.” Echo said as she made her way to Lexa. “I’ve seen part of the inside of these walls. I may be of help.”_

_“You are too weak for the task at hand.”_

_“I owe my life to one of them. I will pay my debt by saving his.” Echo insisted._

_“Very well. Give her clothes and weapons.” Lexa commanded to the group. Then, Lexa’s voice grew louder to address her warriors. “I need a dozen men to accompany me to the Mountain. It is a covert operation. This threat will be removed once and for all. I only ask for volunteers. I will not force anyone who is not comfortable to go save the Sky People. This is war. I have no time to handle grudges.”_

_About twenty of her men that stood the closest to her responded within seconds. More approached as the words circulated among the crowd. Lexa was not surprised that her people were ready to fight, no matter the circumstances, but she was they willingly agreed to risk their lives for those she thought they only had hate for._

_“Heda, we cannot go the same way the Skai Prisa went. There are no shadows to hide in.” Ryder pointed out._

_“We will use the initial plan of the tunnels. Indra, hand me your map.”_

_Indra executed herself and also handed the noise-producing device Raven had given her._

_“We have incapacitated many Reapers on our first way in. More might come. You will need this Heda.”_

_Lexa inspected the device and nodded._

_Lincoln struggled against the rope that bound his wrists. He pulled at the rope one of the guards was holding, trying to get closer to the Commander. The guard pulled Lincoln back and he was forced to call to his leader._

_“Commander, let me help. I know these tunnels. I know these people. I owe Clarke. Release me. I can’t do nothing.”_

_“You will not. I need you to go to the Sky People’s camp. Reassure them about the truce. Bring their healers to Ton DC to tend to the oncoming flow of wounded, and Marcus of the Sky People to sit in for Clarke beside Indra. Nyko shall remain at the War Camp for those too weak to rally Ton DC tonight. All Sky prisoners shall be returned to their people.”_

_“Yes Commander. Thank you.”_

_Lexa turned to her group of volunteers and a reinvigorated Echo, armed and war paint on._

_“Gon wor.” Lexa yelled._

_“Jus drein jus daun.” They replied in chorus, swords above their heads before following the steps of their Commander, stealthily moving under the shining moon, fading into the darkness of the trees’ cover._

_Lexa and her group of warriors had made their way inside the Mountain’s tunnels, fighting a handful of Reapers. They did not know their way around and had to make a lot of U-turns despite Indra’s map. Lexa did not like the idea of getting lost so deep beneath the earth and wasting time that was running against her. When they finally reached the mines’ door, it had been left open and Lexa read ‘Level 3’ on the wall._

_“The door out of the Mountain was on Level 1. I think the deeper we go, the closer we will get to the prisoners.” Echo informed._

_“Did you come across any sign, writing or indication to where would be the population quarters or any other holding cell?”_

_“No Heda. Only healing chambers on our way to the stairs.”_

_“Stairs you say?”_

_“Yes Heda. They went up and down the Mountain.”_

_“Ryder. Take half of the men, find the stairs and go up. Clear all the upper levels. Once done, come back here and secure the exit to the tunnels. No Mountain Man sets foot on this floor.”_

_The group split. Lexa did not encounter a single living soul on the level she was on but as soon as she neared the lower levels, she had the satisfaction to take some of the blood she was due. Mountain Men were easy to kill once subdued and disarmed. She went back to the staircase to go down one more level and was met by a boy who adorned Mountain clothes. He looked terrified and quickly held up his hands before announcing himself – Monty of the Sky People. Lexa rejoiced, as his presence would be helpful._

_“All accesses to Level 5 were sealed. All the power is mainly redirected here. We know our friends are held here. The only way to get to them is through Level 4.”_

_Lexa did not have the knowledge nor the technology to overcome the obstacle of the reinforced door but going back up was a waste of time. Next to the door’s electrical source, there was a grid. Lexa remembered Clarke telling her Bellamy used such conducts to move around. The bolts had been melted but her warriors were up to the challenge and managed to tear the metal enough to rip it from its hinges._

_Inside the walls, Monty led her and her warriors to the group composed of Bellamy and Jasper. Lexa saw Bellamy’s eyes grow with surprise as he saw Echo. Bellamy told Lexa they knew Octavia and Clarke had entered the facility. Bellamy summed up everything that had happened up to this point. Monty told her of Clarke’s intention. She was glad to hear that Clarke was alive and strong, with a plan that showed true leadership._ _Monty and Jasper argued about tampering with the device called walkie-talkie with something else she did not understand._

_“The door to the dorm is right around the corner and guarded by two soldiers on the outside. The rest of them are either protecting the population or inside that room. The hallway leading to the dorm is not remotely giving cover. We’ll be shot before making two steps.” Bellamy informed._

_Lexa weighed her options. They needed to take down the two guards without alarming the rest of them. They needed to do it quickly and quietly._

 

_“We need a distraction.” She thought out loud._

_As if on cue, the ones called Jasper and Monty seemed to have worked out whatever they were doing with the device they were passing between each other._

_“Told you I’d get it…”_

 

_The thing called walkie-talkie worked. Lexa looked at Bellamy, silently telling him they had to act now. Bellamy nodded and opened the grid to let the warriors through before scolding Monty and the one called Jasper. Bellamy quickly followed behind Lexa’s warriors. She recognized the sound knives made when they cut through the air and the gargling noise of someone drowning in their own blood. Lexa had stepped out of the vent to catch up to her warriors, who had burst the doors open, when she stopped at the voice of the one called Jasper issuing a warning to the Mountain and revealing the presence of the Commander. Her warriors had not waited for her. She heard swords and cries and gunshots. Lexa turned her attention to the room as she walked sword in hand, silently pondering if giving that information would work in their favor when she heard a shot through the device. Lexa’s face went white as she halted. What did they just do? Then Cage spoke. Lexa was briefly relieved but her blood ran quickly cold and shock and fear took over her body at what she heard, before turning to pure hatred. She ran back to the grid and slipped inside the conduct._

_“Monty, I need you to show me the way to Clarke.”_

_Monty made good on how to combine speed and stealth despite how scrawny and awkward he looked. Lexa had to give him that. They did not share a word crawling in the air vents and walking in the passage behind the walls to get to the staircase. They both knew how crucial it was to get to Clarke._

_She wondered what happened to her soldiers and Bellamy as she ran down the stairs. Her warriors knew death was an inevitable reality when heading into battle. Bellamy had not hesitated either. The way Clarke talked about him, Lexa had guessed the pair shared mutual respect and concern for each other. If she had to be honest, Lexa was jealous of how profound their friendship was. She was also glad Clarke had someone like Bellamy she could rely on. Monty stopped in front of the door of the level that had been left ajar._

 

_“The Control Room is ahead on the left. You might have to kick its door open. I can help you with that.” Monty told her, showing her his tools, whatever they might be._

_“You have been of much help Monty of the Sky People but you still have to free your friends. Go back to Bellamy.”_

_“Yes sir…I mean m’am…m’am Commander.”_

_Lexa had no need to break in the Control Room; the door was wide open when she reached it. As she went to enter, she saw Clarke in a pool of blood about to be put down by none other than that despicable Emerson._

 

The sight of Clarke’s blood spilled on the floor was burned in her restless mind. She had dug a trench walking back and forth in front of the flap of her quarters. Nyko had respectfully but firmly asked Lexa to wait outside, as her hovering over Clarke did nothing to help. Lexa had agreed, knowing she was in the way. She had kissed Clarke’s forehead and implored her, in a whisper, to come back to her. As she was about to enter the tent again, unable to wait any longer, she caught sight of Indra coming her way. The Commander had not seen her General since she had left to enter the Mountain.

 

“Em ste ridiyo? Moun-de don ge flosh klin?” ( _Is it true? The Mountain was destroyed?_ )

 

“Sha Indra. Klark don teik emo ol au.” ( _Yes Indra. Clarke killed them all_.)

 

“Ai sen yu in Heda. Ba em don sis yu au nou mou. Yu sou laik winna-de.” ( _I hear you Commander. But she only helped you. YOU are the victor._ )

 

Lexa did not want to argue about the specifics. Indra had made known she strongly disliked the Sky People. But word would get soon around about the Mountain. Indra would eventually learn of Clarke’s greater role in the victory over their long-lasting enemy. Lexa would not be the one to rip Clarke from the respect she deserved. Indra did not want to see the Sky People’s strength, nor how dependent Grounders had been of them in this battle.

 

“Haukom yu kamp raun hir Indra?” ( _Why are you here Indra?_ )

 

“Ai get daun raun yu, Heda.” ( _I worry about you, Heda_.)

 

“Disha laik fostaim bilaik yu tel ai op disha ridiyo.” ( _This is the first time you tell me this truth_.)

 

“Bilaik ai don tel yu op, ai get daun”  ( _Like I said, I worry_.)

 

“Chit yu gaf? Leik yu stot au shish op snap.” ( _What do you want? Start talking quickly._ )

 

Lexa respected Indra enough to let the warrior talk freely to her in private. Indra had known Lexa since her first breath into this world. Indra had seen Lexa from the beginning of her Commandership and through the struggles that went with it. If Indra risked her life to address familiarly the Commander then what she had to say might be worth for Lexa to let her guard down and let her former mentor intrude her privacy.

 

“Skaikru ste nouseim. Oso don ge chit oso don gaf. Yu souda teik disha gada gyon au. Skaikru ste ifi gon kongeda-de” ( _The Sky people are different. We got what we wanted. You should let the girl go. The Sky People are risky for the Coalition.)_

 

“Gon kongeda-de, ou ai?” ( _For the Coalition, or me?)_

 

“Yu sou laik kongeda-de, Heda.” ( _You ARE the Coalition, Commander_.)

 

Indra reminded her of Gustus who had spoken the exact same words before she had had to kill him. Lexa hoped she would not have to go there again, especially with her most trusted General, the only one she had left from the darker days.

 

“Emo na glong oso kru op.” ( _They will join our people.)_

 

“Emo don frag mani trikru op.”  ( _They killed many Tree People_.)

 

“Oso don ste gon wor. Nou get yu daun raun fotaim” ( _We were at war. Do not worry about the past_.)

 

Indra shifted from one foot to the other. She was clearly dreading what she really was holding in her mind. Usually the fierce and proud woman, Indra was now questioning herself about the reasons for this conversation she sought. Lexa guessed the real implications would not be to her liking but she would not let Indra speak half-truths.

 

“Indra.” Lexa said as a warning. Her patience would soon be gone. Indra got the message loud and clear, and straightened her stance. Lexa was sure she would not like what was about to be said.

 

“Ai don ai yu op chek em au. Disha ste haukom yu don komba bak raun gon Moun-de. Yu don komba bak raun gon em.” ( _I saw you look at her. This is why you went back to the mountain. You went back for her._ )

 

Lexa tensed and clenched her fists but she knew denying it would only give confirmation to Indra. Lexa did not have to justify her actions to her subordinates, even her closest advisors. Her people were too short-sighted to see that she took the decision that was the most satisfactory. She had freed her people and kept true to her word. In the process, she had managed to re-assert how good of a leader she was to all of the Clans. But she could not lie to Indra, for Indra had always known what was happening inside the thick head of the Commander. Up until Clarke. Despite what she should say, the main reason Lexa did go back was to protect the Sky Girl. But she would never admit it in these words to anyone else.

 

“Em don slip daun kom skai ona ai sonraun. Ai na gon raun gon em.” ( _She fell from the sky into my life. I will fight for her_.)

 

“Skaikru en Trigedakru sou na get hashta yuem in fotaim yu tel emo op. Emo nou na teik disha in gud. Emo na gon yu op.” ( _The Sky people and the Woods clan will know about you and her before you tell them. They won’t take this well. They will fight you.)_

 

“Emo na teik disha in gud or emo na wan op.” ( _They will take this well or they will die_.)

 

Indra smiled that proud smile that was devoted to her ruthless Commander. The one she thought she had lost to weakness. Indra did not always agree with her Commander’s decision but she was not one to hold grudges. She had made her life’s goal to stand by the leader and advise her the best way possible while keeping a watchful eye on her. Indra had no life but the army after she lost her significant other to the Reapers. She didn’t understand it but was proud nonetheless that care for the Skai Prisa made her leader scarily protective, if not stronger. She may despise Sky People but she trusted her Commander’s judgment, even when its soundness was questionable. Anya and Indra had often argued that the Commander had to remember to feel in private to not be seen weak in public. It seemed that Clarke of the Sky People brought about the fiercest traits of character out of Lexa. She would need it when voices would grow louder and questions would rise about the motives behind bringing the Sky People into the Coalition. But for now, Indra was glad to see a spark of the Lexa she used to know, one that compromised love and war.

 

“Yu don sad klin” ( _You made your choice.)_

 

“Ai don sen in chit bilaik ai don gaf sen in kom yu Indra. Gon we.” ( _I have heard what I wanted to hear from you Indra. Leave_.)

 

“Ai badan ai Heda op otaim.” ( _I always serve my Commander_.)

 

Lexa nodded and watched as Indra took her leave. This entire conversation relied on a profound concern that the Sky People, mainly Clarke and Lexa’s fondness for her, would shake the fragile foundations of the Coalition. Lexa knew that it was a risk but if it meant that Clarke would be by her side, Lexa would not hesitate to take it now that their greatest enemy had fallen.

Lexa took a deep breath. Dawn was perking on the horizon, the sky colored with different shades of blue, orange and pink. The battle at Mount Weather had lasted most of the night. Her camp was quieter than when she first stepped out of her tent and hid from onlookers. The Sky People had left a few hours earlier, Clarke’s critical condition unbeknownst to them. Most of the warriors of the Coalition had gone back to Ton DC; only a handful of hers remained with her guards. None had celebrated the victory over the Mountain despite the Commander’s encouragements as she had been pacing in front of her tent. They wanted to wait for the wounded to get better. They wanted Clarke to raise the first glass. Their words had warmed her heart as she recalled a bloodied Clarke, limp in her arms. Maybe they would not perceive her relationship to the Sky girl as a bad thing. Maybe the rest of her people would also come to realize that Clarke was a force to be reckoned with.

Lexa heard someone clearing their throat. As she spun around, she saw Nyko waiting behind the now opened flap.

 

“How is she?”

 

“She is weak. The blood loss is hard on her heart but if she can make it through the day, she will pull through. It is a good thing the bullet did not perforated anything major; there was little I could have done.”

 

Lexa nodded. Nyko let way to her Commander before exiting. Lexa entered her tent, grabbed a chair and stood by Clarke’s sleeping form. Her breathing was shallow still. Clarke had lost a lot of blood and it showed on her skin. She was paler than usual and dark shadows had developed under the socket of her eyes. She had a split lip and a bruised jaw. Her upper right arm and collarbone had been stitched up and bandaged. But these were minor injuries compared to the bullet wound that pierced her abdomen. It had been tricky to remove the bullet though no vital organs had been touched but Lexa knew Nyko feared the infection.

 

When the sun had peaked at its highest point in the sky, Lexa had delegated her duties to Indra, ordering her to gather men to go burn the bodies inside the Mountain. Lexa had strictly forbidden anyone other than Nyko to disturb Clarke’s recovery. Lexa had sent word to Camp Jaha about Clarke with the last group of her warriors that left. Clarke’s mother had sent Octavia with one of their speaking device to see the progress of her state. Abby Griffin was juggling between tending to the weakened Grounders in Ton DC and the severally wounded warriors and prisoners back in Camp Jaha while being injured herself. Lexa had no time to spare to give unchanging news. Indra and Octavia were her relays in political and private matters.

 

It took three days for Clarke to regain consciousness. Lexa had gone out to get some fresh water. Her warriors were out and about. Some already back training, as a habit they could not, maybe would never, shake off. She had taken a moment of reprieve by the well to freshen up and stretch her sore muscles. She hadn’t left Clarke’s side, not even to eat. She had caressed the girl’s cheeks, run fingers through her hair, hummed soothing melodies she remembered from her mother, kept Clarke’s hand in hers as she had slept by the comatose blonde. Lexa was an emotional wreck so she had enjoyed the simplicity of splashing her face with cold water. Bucket in one hand, Lexa was walking back, chewing on a loaf of bread. The lack of food had started to twist her insides. When she came back inside the tent, she saw Clarke stir under the furs. Lexa’s relief was short-lived as she ran to her side, knelt by the bed and saw that Clarke was feverish and in pain. She got up to get the bucket of water she had left on the table. As she grabbed it, she called for the healer.

 

“Naikou!”

 

Nyko entered a few minutes later as he had stayed within ear’s reach of the Commander’s tent. Lexa put the bucket near her chair and proceeded to damp the cloth she’d hung on the chest that sat by the head of her bed. As Nyko was uncovering Clarke to check her vitals, Lexa noticed that Nyko had kept Clarke’s piece of garment in place under the bandages before she cleaned the accumulated sweat on Clarke’s upper chest and neck. She trailed her eyes on the goose bumps covering Clarke’s skin down to her wound and was horrified by what she discovered. Her pale skin contrasted with the red gash that grazed the side of her abdomen. The scaring was bright red with dark strands that coursed under her skin around it. Lexa looked up at Nyko while Clarke was shivering under her palms.

 

“Is it…”

 

“Yes Heda. Clarke’s wound is infected. I have to cauterize the skin and cut off the infected flesh before I can treat her with herbs and seaweed, and re-stitch the wound. Maybe the Sky fisa has something…” Nyko hesitated, not for lack of faith in his abilities but he knew about the advanced techniques of the Sky People’s medicine. He knew the Sky Princess’s mother was a healer as well and wanted nothing less than the best resources at the Commander’s disposal.

 

“No. I have seen you do this before. Clarke’s life is in your hands. I will send word to her mother about treatment if she worsens but we have no time to waste for her to come.”

 

“Yes Heda”

 

“How can I help?” Lexa looked intently at her healer.

 

“Is the Sky warrior here? Octavia?” Nyko asked.

 

“Ryder!” Lexa straightened and turned her head towards the tent entrance without breaking contact with Clarke.

 

“Yes Heda.” Ryder replied instantly as he took a step inside.

 

“Fetch me Octavia. I saw her by the training ground.”

 

As Lexa was waiting for Octavia to appear, she went to dry Clarke’s skin from the remaining sweat and relieved her burning body with a fresh wet cloth. Nyko went to the table to grab his leather pouch before moving the brazier closer to the bed. The embers were still hot. Nyko put some stalks he found on the ground and blew on the embers until the stalks caught fire. Nyko was adding some twigs when Octavia finally entered, covered in dirt and flushed from the run she’d just taken.

 

“You asked for me Heda.”

 

Nyko was now applying an antiseptic to Clarke’s wound. Then he unsheathed a dagger from the pouch before putting it in the fire pit. Lexa’s thoughts, or lack thereof, were focused on her task and she only looked up when she heard the crackle of embers under the weight of the iron blade. She knew what it felt like, having experienced it herself.

 

“Octavia, you will stand by Nyko.” Lexa quickly but firmly said barely looking up at the Sky warrior.

 

“What’s going on?” Octavia asked as she entered further the Commander’s tent. Octavia walked to Lexa’s quarters after the Commander had nodded for her to come to them. Octavia measured the gravity of Clarke’s state as she quickly sized her up. “Oh god Clarke! I have to call it in.” Octavia panicked and went for the walkie tucked in her waistband at her back.

 

“We have no time Octavia of the Sky People. We must act now. Follow Nyko’s orders.” Lexa commanded as she threw the damp cloth back in the bucket.

 

“Clarke is a fighter but I need you and the Commander to keep her still. The pain will wake her up. She must not move.”

 

Nyko cut the thread that held the skin together before he nodded to both Lexa and Octavia. Octavia grabbed Clarke’s legs as Lexa pinned Clarke’s upper body by holding her arms and pressing her own body to Clarke’s. Lexa watched Nyko take the blade out of the embers and move it to Clarke’s skin. She took a deep breath and held it inside. When the blade made contact with the wound, the smell of burned flesh made Lexa crinkle her nose and turn her head away. Instead she looked at a restless Clarke who opened her eyes and began to scream in agony. Her eyes were frantic with the pain before finding Lexa’s.

Lexa did not want to be touched by the fear in Clarke’s eyes. She had to be strong for the both of them.

Their faces were inches from each other. Lexa could feel Clarke’s hot breath on her cheeks. The plea hit Lexa close to her heart but she would not let go as Clarke was struggling against the hold.

 

“Stop. Stop it please. It hurts. Please. Sto…”

 

Clarke’s eyes rolled upwards and her body unwound back on the bed. Her struggle stopped all of a sudden.

 

“Clarke? Clarke?” Lexa implored as she shook the lifeless girl. Nyko went to her neck and pressed fingers.

 

“Her pulse is there. She lost consciousness. It is a normal response.”

 

Lexa let out a heavy sigh. So did Octavia.

 

Nyko resumed cauterizing the wound and Clarke did not wake up. Nor did she when he cut the infected flesh off. Lexa moved slightly away, keeping her hands on Clarke’s shoulders in case she would wake up again. Octavia had her hands on Clarke’s knees, also expecting to restrain the girl some more. But Clarke did not wake up.

Nyko applied a plaster made of herbs and seaweed onto the wound then dressed Clarke’s middle with clean dressing. He inspected all the bandages and checked Clarke’s body for any other signs of complication. He found none. Relieved, he took Clarke’s vitals again before standing up. Octavia let go of Clarke’s legs and stood with him; Lexa leaned back on the chair.

 

“Her heart beats stronger. She’s still weak but she’ll pull through. You should rest now Heda.”

 

Lexa nodded and Nyko took his leave. Octavia looked unsure if she was meant to go with Nyko.

 

“You should go rest as well Octavia of the Sky People. You did well today. I will notify you when Clarke wakes.”

 

“Thank you Heda.”

 

Octavia exited the tent and the silence that followed unnerved the Commander. Lexa had not heard such silence since before the war. She took a look at Clarke. The blonde girl would survive. Lexa’s hand started shaking at the relief. She had latch onto control over her feelings so hard. She had unconsciously lost grip on it. When Lexa had entered the Control Room, Clarke’s face had morphed into Costia’s for a second. Lexa had not wanted history to repeat itself at the hand of another. She had fought and fought for Clarke to live. The tension left Lexa’s body and foreign tears made their way on her cheeks. She welcomed them for a moment. She wiped them away when Clarke sighed in her sleep. Clarke was alive. It was all Lexa needed.

 

It was late afternoon when Lexa decided to get some air and clear her mind. She walked around the remnants of her War Camp to remind her presence to her remaining warriors and converse with them. She joined a visiting Indra on the log by the fire and shared a silent meal with her General. She lingered a little while as her warriors recounted war stories. Most of them involved Clarke. They talked about her as a being of legend. Lexa was drawn in and smiled with pride. She left the warriors mid-storytelling, eager to rejoin Clarke’s side. She fell asleep on her chair holding Clarke’s hand.

Clarke woke up the next morning. She opened heavy lids. She felt groggy with her mouth dry like paper sand. She felt someone’s presence and looked around to see Lexa intricately slumped on a chair by her side. She squeezed Lexa’s hand, hoping her touch would wake the brunette up.

 

“Lexa?” Clarke tried with a raspy voice.

 

Lexa practically jumped from her chair at the sound of Clarke’s voice. She almost as quickly relaxed and leaned forward, guessing her need.

 

“Hold on.” Lexa went to the table that stood in the middle of the tent to retrieve the pitcher and pour a cup of water.

She sat on the side of the bed and put a hand under Clarke’s head to help her drink. Once Clarke had enough, she set the cup on the chest and returned to the chair.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“How are you feeling?” Lexa enquired.

 

“Like I’ve been shot.” Clarke tried to lighten the mood with a joke, her voice still strained despite the water she just had.

 

“You did lose a lot of blood. Nyko healed you well.” Lexa did not follow suit and stayed businesslike.

 

“I’ll have to thank him.” Clarke smiled.

 

“There is plenty of time for that.” Lexa stated, the shadow of a smile on the corners of her lips.

 

“How long have I been out?”

 

“Almost five days.”

 

Five days. Clarke went livid. She had missed out on a lot. Her heart raced. Clarke tried to get up, as she couldn’t properly recall what happened after she entered the Mountain. Clarke’s memories were hazy and her reasoning incoherent but she was adamant to see her rescue through. As she sat, she felt wobbly and nauseous.

 

“I need to go help them. They’re hurting. My mom…”

 

“Shh. Your people are safe.” Lexa informed her as she cautiously placed a hand on Clarke’s chest to lay her slowly back on the bed.

 

“How?” Clarke asked confused.

 

“You don’t remember.” Lexa deduced instead of asking.

 

“I…Cage was there. And he threatened to kill my people before my eyes, Bellamy. And you, you were there. But you were gone.”

 

“Clarke. You should rest. You will feel better after you have slept some more.” Lexa instructed her.

 

“No. I’ve rested enough.” Clarke deadpanned.

 

“Your body is still weak. You should ease it back to health.” Lexa voiced her concern with a softer tone.

 

“Is it Nyko or you who speaks?” Clarke couldn’t help but bit the inside of her lip to refrain from grinning as she remembered the sleeping Lexa that held her hand when she woke up just a moment ago.

 

“Both.” Lexa replied, mirroring the lopsided smile.

 

Clarke was exasperated to be forced to rest but the throbbing pain on her side didn’t work in her favor. She had no choice but to remain in the bed. Bed? Clarke felt the sheets around her and her fingers touched furs. She looked up, past Lexa and noticed for the first time that she was in Lexa’s tent.

 

“Wait. What am I doing in your bed?”

 

“You would have not survived the trip to your camp. I had to think quickly. Does it bother you?”

 

“No. Not at all. Thank you.” Clarke felt her cheeks blush with embarrassment. It did not go unnoticed by Lexa.

 

There was a pause, as both did not know how to move the conversation forward. It was Clarke who broke the silence and asked the question both were dreading the answer to.

 

“I need to know why?”

 

Lexa understood what Clarke was referring to. She had hoped she would have had a few more days before tackling the delicate subject of her defection, or almost defection as it was. Lexa stayed silent and felt a tentative firm grip on her forearm.

 

“Lexa please. You owe me an explanation. What happened out there?”

 

“This is not the time.” Voice void of emotion, Lexa avoided Clarke’s eyes, getting her arm free from her grasp.

 

“You have no right to say this. Not after what you did to me.” Clarke’s voice on the other hand was resentful.

 

“I did nothing to you.” Lexa seeming stoicism faltered and replied with a defensive tone.

 

“Then how do you call abandoning me on the Mountain?” Clarke challenged.

 

“I did not abandon you.” Lexa wanted this point to be clear.

 

“You took a deal and you left.”

 

“I came back.”

 

“Why?” There was the question again. One simple question. Yet it bore all the complexity in the world.

 

“I will explain another day.” Lexa did not know if she had the strength and the courage to address it so soon, not when Clarke was still weak, not when she was struggling herself with the implications.

 

“You don’t get to choose when it’s convenient for you to have a proper conversation. I need you to tell me.”

 

Clarke’s feeble state combined with tiredness and infuriation had her on the brink of breaking apart. She may have been feverish for the last few days but her mind had been pondering relentlessly. The pain from the guilt of her actions outmatched the physical ones and sucked away at her soul. Clarke latched onto the remaining bits of it but she felt like she was loosing grip on herself. She wanted answers. She needed the truth. It was a necessity to know why she had to go to such length to see her people out.

 

“Lexa. Please.”

 

Clarke had tears in her eyes. Lexa could see them accumulating on the rims. She could not deny Clarke’s plea, not when she herself needed to unload a weight she carried since that night. She had thought a lot at Clarke’s side. She had talked herself out of many possible accusations that would come her way. She had always ended looking apologetically at Clarke before brushing the hair out of her face and leaving a kiss on her forehead.

 

She moved her chair closer to the bed, her knees brushing the soft furs that covered Clarke. She rested her elbows on her knees and outstretched a hand to clasp Clarke’s delicately. She peered into her eyes. Lexa had cleaned her face from the war paint and the blood stains. Even though she looked younger, Clarke could see the seriousness and the severity that took possession of Lexa’s face.

Clarke dove in the now dark green irises, mesmerized by the beauty of the changing colors. Clarke knew Lexa waited for her to find what she was looking for before talking. Lexa saw a sea of crashing waves in Clarke’s stormy blue eyes. She saw the confusion and the doubts. She saw resentment and hurt. But she also saw determination and hope. Apprehensively ready, Clarke starred down and nodded for Lexa to begin. Lexa took a deep breath to command her pounding heart to slow down its race.

 

“I could not risk everything on my feelings Clarke. I am not like you. I was raised a warrior and shaped in wars. I was made Commander and since that day, I have to keep earning it. You may have proven that you were worthy of a leader Clarke, but most of my people did not approve of this Alliance. Mountain Men knew we were going for the door. Losses would have been tremendous. Putting my soldiers’ lives on the line for a small group of yours would have meant the death of me. I had to choose between the lesser of two evils.” Lexa decided that she would not disclose one decisive factor in her decision-making – the threat on Clarke’s life. It may have swayed her with less persuasion on Emerson’s part but Lexa would not burden Clarke further with this relevant but unnecessary information because she was not sure she would have chosen differently if Clarke had not been leverage for the deal. What Clarke did not know would not hurt her.

 

“And even if it’s hard for me to admit it, I do understand. What I had to do…that was the true evil.”

 

The Hundred. Her people. They’ve gone a long way. Clarke could still remember Bellamy telling her she didn’t have the guts to make hard choices while she was desperately trying to save Jasper’s life. Clarke had always been about saving life, not ending it. Irradiating Mount Weather was the latest of her actions to prove her wrong. And it was tearing her apart. She did what Lexa had done earlier, but in a more brutal, effective way.

And as it turned out, it was all smoke and mirror from the Commander. _How could Clarke hate Lexa when she came back to fight alongside them? How could Clarke hate Lexa now that she’d done worse? How could Clarke resent Lexa when her self-hate was eating at her and overwhelming everything inside and out?_

Lexa could see the conflict happening behind the blonde girl’s eyes. It was a hard endeavor to reconcile the notion of sacrifice with the guilt resulting of it, for Lexa had temporarily sacrificed Clarke, and Clarke had sacrificed herself. And both had to live with the consequences.

 

“A necessary one. Being a leader means that only you can make the hard choices. If it may give you peace of mind, you freeing us from the Mountain made the Clans see our Alliance under a whole new light. Your legend precedes you. They call you ‘Wanheda’, Death Commander!” Lexa informed Clarke. Lexa had heard first hand. Then, Indra had come one day, to inform her of the progress of the clearing of Ton DC’s shambles, and amusingly relayed whispers about it from her people, as an addition to their daily meeting.

 

“I don’t want to be called Death. I didn’t want anyone else to die. That was not the plan. The children, they were not supposed to…That’s not who I am, or was…I just don’t know anymore.”

 

“Plans do change in battle. You did what you had to. You delivered us all from their yoke. They respect you for it. I always had faith in you Clarke.”

 

“Then why did you come back?”

 

“Like I said, I could not risk my warriors’ lives but I also could not retreat and wait for the day Mountain Men wandered the Earth. They were too much of a threat. My plan was to leave the grounds surrounding Mount Weather like it was agreed upon then come back with a handful of my best fighters to enter the Mountain discretely and join you for their surprise. Retreating was as dissatisfying for my army as it was for me. This is not who we are. A Commander never capitulates.”

 

“Being left in the dark has never been my forte.”

 

Lexa raised her eyebrows and Clarke understood Lexa’s questioning.

 

“By that I meant I’ve never liked being left out.”

 

“They had to believe my betrayal towards you and your people to raise no suspicion. I thought I had time, that you would resign yourself to leave and regroup. Not enter the mountain alone.”

 

Clarke shifted on the bed. She had spent too much time in the same position and she felt pins and needles in her right leg. While doing so, she winced a little. The stitches were pulling at the burn; it was painful but bearable. The betrayal, not so much.

 

“That hurt.”

 

Lexa tensed and withdrew her hand from Clarke’s. She straightened herself on the chair. She was sure she had been careful not to touch Clarke where she was injured. Lexa got up from the uncomfortable chair and backed away from the cot, ready to call for Nyko to come to Clarke. She felt Clarke’s hand reaching for her wrist and looked back. Clarke was smiling like she was about to laugh.

 

“Yeah it hurts too, but I meant your betrayal…even if it wasn’t one, it still felt like it.”

 

Lexa sighed. She was glad Clarke’s physical state had not worsened but she knew that the memory of that night would haunt them both. Lexa sat back near the Sky Girl, keeping more distance between her and Clarke, eyes down.

 

“When we first met…” Clarke started. She paused a moment, waiting for Lexa to look at her. If it was the moment Clarke forced upon themselves to finally be honest with each other, then Clarke had to use this opportunity to bare her heart, for saying everything she meant to disclose to Lexa was her attempt to gain some semblance of normalcy in their more than complicated relationship.

 

“When we first met, I was a mess. I had escaped Mount Weather to stumble upon a massacre. Finn and I, we arrived on the ground at the same time, being sentenced with the same fate, and we grew close to one another, sharing the same view on things.”

 

“Why are you telling me this?” Lexa cut off Clarke, readjusting her position on the chair, unease at the circumstances that brought Clarke to her. She could also feel a burst of jealousy in the pit of her stomach.

She didn’t like to hear about the boy who stirred so much trouble, and being reminded of the deaths of innocents by his hand. She got lost in her thoughts as her mind wandered and reminisced the troubled days.

_Lexa had first met Clarke when she had commanded her warriors to make camp on the hill that overlooked the invaders’ eyesore of a home that had disfigured the lake scenery. Lexa had heard of Clarke of the Sky People through Anya and her scouts’ reports weeks beforehand._

_The girl had defeated some of Lexa’s best warriors in a ring of fire. Lexa had known that one day their paths would cross and she had been eager for the day to come. She would have preferred it not to happen in the wake of a tragedy._

_When Clarke of the Sky People presented herself at her camp and entered her tent, Lexa had not been disappointed. She had never thought such a petite fragile-looking young woman could be the cause of such debacle. She had been curious about her since the war between their people had started. When she had been in front of her, Lexa could not have helped but somehow be transfixed by the presence of the Sky Girl. She was not built as a warrior, nor did scare much, but there had been something about her, in the way she carried herself and the intensity with which she looked around her. There had been an aura of natural strength with her. Lexa had never seen someone like her – a golden-haired, wild blue-eyed, fair-skinned visual regal. Lexa had not only been impressed but in awe, before the girl had even opened her mouth._

_Though Clarke had been unsure of her surroundings, she had stood tall and confident, never turning away her gaze from anyone. When she had locked eyes with Lexa, she had not flinched. Lexa had been taken aback when the girl had spoken of Anya. Anya had been precious to Lexa and hearing that she had collaborated with this Sky person had renewed her interest in these people. Anya had never been the one to trust so if what the girl had said was true, then Lexa owed her the benefit of the doubt. Anyone who could look unfazed while looking straight at the Commander and standing up to an aggressive Indra had deserved their case to be pleaded. If Anya had truly been on her way to speak about joining forces then Lexa would honor her last wish._

_But salvation came at a price._

_Clarke had come up to Lexa’s tent and challenge Indra who viciously had drawn blood from her as she would not let her pass. Clarke had defied the Commander’s authority and denied Grounder’s justice when she had run away with the boy. It had added insult to injury. Clarke had been ready to die in his place, to sacrifice herself to protect him and ensure peace. She had been ready to make the decision her so-called leaders could not have done in Lexa’s prison. In this instant, Clarke had been magnificent._

_Lexa had understood her look when Clarke had eyed the boy, and part of her had felt ashamed of making Clarke go through this. The boy died for her just as Costia died for Lexa. Circumstances might have been different but the end results were the same. Two people were claimed in a war they did not want to partake. Two leaders were born from their blood. And Clarke was the leader Lexa never thought to want by her side. Lexa had granted Clarke the goodbye she herself never had. It had not been about her people in this moment but about a wounded leader to a fellow soon-to-be one. Clarke had done something unthinkable though. Lexa had guessed Lincoln must have told her about their ways as Lexa had watched helpless and fascinated as the blonde had plunged a knife through her lover’s heart. Helpless, because Lexa had her hands tied. Her people had demanded blood to be repaid. If she had given the order to seize Clarke, the Sky People would have surely opened fire. Fascinated, because that girl had marched head held high and had defied an entire camp of known enemies with her action._

 

Lexa felt sick at the memory. She wanted to excuse herself and bolt out of the tent, but she was curious about what Clarke had to say. If she wanted Clarke at her side, she had to concede this battle. Clarke had weighed Lexa’s silence and interpreted it as a sign the Commander would hear her out.

 

“I know that you’re not much of the sharing type…I just need to get this out of my chest, for me. For us.”

 

Clarke hesitated on the last part and had lowered her voice to say it, unsure of Lexa’s reaction. Lexa produced a faint smile and nodded in agreement. She would do anything to ease the Sky Girl’s burden.

And she did like to hear the prospect of a common future from Clarke’s mouth. Clarke waited to see that Lexa would, in fact, stay to resume the speech she had told herself many times over, during her sleepless fever-induced nights.

 

“I cared deeply for him. Then he broke my heart despite his assertion that he chose me. I didn’t stop caring about him nor he did me, but then the Mountain and your people got in the way of it. I got captured and he got desperate. I had talked Anya into a meeting with you and he killed eighteen of your people. He was the first to fight for peace, even against me, and he started a war.”

 

“Then I sentenced him to die.”

 

“You acted as a leader who demanded justice. Even if I fought against it, he had made his peace with it. There, at the post, I told him I loved him.”

 

“Did you?”

 

“A part of me did.”

 

“Yet…”

 

“…I killed him, before you could.”

 

“And I kissed you.”

 

“So did I. You have to understand. The memory of his death was all I could think of. It is lingering. And at the same time, I can’t help but feel a connection with you.”

 

“Then I broke your heart too.” Lexa said in a whisper, realizing where Clarke was coming from.

 

“What?”

 

“The other night, on the Mountain, I did not know.”

 

“Know what?”

 

“The extent of how you care for me, like I care for you. I did not understand it then but your heart was also among the destruction I caused.”

 

“I…” Clarke averted her eyes, bringing her hands to her chest as a subconscious protective move.

 

“Do not deny it. You always tell me that I have to feel. Speak true Clarke.”

 

“You really are going to turn this situation around and use my incapacity to get out of this bed to your benefit, aren’t you?”

 

“Yes. You were the one who wanted to talk for both our sakes. Do not let me stop you.”

 

“Alright.” Clarke let out a sigh, defeated at her own game. She took a deep breath.

 

“Up on the Ark, I was in prison for supporting my father in his effort to save our people. I was sent to Earth as an experiment. I was judged expendable. My life had no worth only for them to use as a mean to an end. I had no hope. They only changed the way I would die. I survived. I met you. And I felt expendable all over again. Your face might have been composed Lexa but your eyes gave your heart away. That made the reality of your betrayal that much more painful.”

 

“It never was my intention to betray you despite my actions. Facing you there, looking at me like I was a stranger and keeping myself in check…knowing that I had to keep up with the lie, that I had to leave…and then you disappeared inside the Mountain…”

 

Lexa turned her head. She could not face Clarke when she barely fathomed the depth of her feelings for her. It was something long forgotten, promised to the abyss of the past. Lexa could reveal more with unspoken words.

And Clarke saw the battle between heart and mind behind the silence. She extended her arm and rested her hand on Lexa’s lap.

 

“It’s not a great feeling, is it?”

 

“I wanted them to gloat from their pretend victory before I sliced their throat in retribution for our people and the pain they made me cause you. I thought you were lost to me.”

 

“Love is weakness Lexa. Careful, sounded to me like you were admitting something.”

 

“Hodnes laik kwelnes en loudness en uf ( _Love is weakness and pain and strength_ ). Love is all. I will not be a liar hiding from it anymore, not with you.”

 

“Mochof, Heda.” ( _Thank you, Commander_ )

 

Lexa simply nodded. She looked into Clarke’s eyes and slightly smiled at the use of Trigedasleng from her.

 

“I thought I wasn’t ready that day. The truth is, I couldn’t think clearly. I hadn’t had a moment to process a thing since I’ve landed on the ground. When we kissed, it confused me, adding to the pile of conflicting emotions that were already overwhelming me. I only needed time for myself to think.”

 

“What changed?”

 

“Nothing. Everything. You saved me Lexa. From the war. From death. I don’t deserve it.”

 

“You deserve it and more. I should not have let you face the Mountain alone. It is on me.”

 

“It’s on both of us.”

 

“Ai gaf yu in ( _I need you_ ). Do not make me worry for you like this again.” Lexa spoke her language first not knowing if Clarke would catch the meaning, hoping she would at least understand the intent. Lexa might be ready to let Clarke in but she still felt vulnerably shy about it, which was a compromising position for her, the Mighty Heda.

 

“If you promised not to make me enter a fortified mountain again, I think we’ll be alright.” Clarke challenged the Grounder with a smirk that didn’t reach her eyes full of tenderness towards this intimate side of the Commander.

 

Lexa sat closer. Ever since the funeral in Ton DC, Clarke had lived in the close personal space Lexa would never let any other person into. Not since Costia. She grabbed Clarke’s hand, which was still on her lap, and caged it in hers. She brought it to her mouth and gave it a soft brush of her lips, taking a deep breath of the girl that came from the stars. Clarke freed a finger from the hold and caressed Lexa’s jaw, making the Commander bare her soul into the depth of Clarke’s blue eyes, eyes made of sky. Their gaze locked onto each other and never parted when Lexa tenderly leaned over Clarke, clutching her face with two hands and planting a desperately needing kiss. Behind it were all the unspoken emotions of the last few days, emotions that couldn’t find words to be explained. Clarke gasped in understanding as she reciprocated with the same desperation. Lexa was the one to end the kiss this time.

 

“You are exhausted. You need to rest. This time it is not a suggestion.”

 

“Have you forgotten that I take orders from no one?” Clarke tried but could not suppress a yawn.

 

“I have not but it does not make it less true that you need to sleep.”

 

“So do you. Lexa, you look like you haven’t had a proper night sleep in a while. It’s partly my fault as I’ve taken your bed.”

 

“Warriors are trained to withstand exhaustion.”

 

“War is over. You have earned to rest.”

 

Clarke scooted over to make a place for Lexa on her own bed. Lexa looked at her dubiously.

 

“Clarke, what are you doing?”

 

“This is your bed. It’s only fair you’d lay in it.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Didn’t we just acknowledge that we care for each other? It’s just a bed and a pillow Lexa.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Lexa graciously unbuckled the straps of her corset, took off her boots and cloak before placing herself at Clarke’s side. Clarke’s eyes were closing, beaten by the tiredness she had been fighting. Lexa lied down on her back, crossing her arms over her stomach. It did not take long for her to fall asleep as well. She was awakened hours later by a panting Clarke, moaning in her sleep. Lexa did not want to wake her up, instead choosing to soothe the fitful slumber by taking Clarke in her arms.

Lexa would repeat the process as many times as the nightmares occurred. And she would always wake up to a blonde girl who was holding her in return.

It became a natural routine for the two leaders. Lexa would attend to her duties during the day while Octavia would keep company to Clarke. At night, they would share their day and fall asleep in each other’s arms, Lexa trying to keep the nightmares at bay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, kudo-ing, bookmarking, commenting...means a lot!


	4. Chapter 3: Black Distraction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke feels the weight of her actions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked about the music I listen to while I write on the other fanfic site. so I'll share it here to! (Heteroclite non-exhaustive selection of my writing playlist!)
> 
> Laura Jensen – A call to arms (where I got the title from)  
> Jetta – feels like coming home / Awolnation – sail / Tove Lo – scream my name / Air – playground love / M83 – holes in the sky/too late / Jessie Ware – wildest moments/say you love me / Groove Armada – think twice / Woodkid – Iron / Banks – waiting game/you should know where I’m coming from / Zella Day – sacrifice / Sohn – carry me home / Gabrielle Aplin – reverse /Alessia – here / Mumford & Sons – believe / Echosmith – bright / Hillsong United – oceans / Royal Blood – you can be sol cruel / Stevie Nix – if you ever did believe / Twenty One Pilots – tear in my heart / Hayley Westenra – listen to the wind / The Chemical Brothers – the devil is in the details / Last of the Mohican theme / The Piano OST – the heart asks pleasure first / Begin Again OST – lost stars / Julie Fowlis – touch the sky / Braveheart OST – for the love of a princess / James Horner – Casper’s lullaby / House of Flying Daggers OST – lovers (flower garden / Mei&Jin versions) / Princess Mononoke OST – the legend of Ashitaka / Agnes Obel – fuel to fire / Laura Marling – crawled out of the sea / Karen Harding – say something / London Grammar – wasting my young years / Raign (of course!) / Thor the Dark World – Into eternity / E.T Ost – flying theme / The Fifth Element OST – protect life / The Horse Whisperer OST – the rhythm of the horse / LOTR: The Two Towers OST – samwise the brave / John Dreamer – becoming a legend/end of my journey/true strength…

**Chapter 3**

**Black Distraction**

 About two weeks after Lexa had carried a barely alive Clarke in her arms, Nyko deemed her fit to handle a horseback ride. A slow paced horseback ride he had specified. Lexa was needed back more permanently in Ton DC to attend meetings and oversee the reconstruction of the village. She felt the warriors that had stayed behind with her and Clarke, wanted to return to their families completely instead of rotating shifts. Clarke herself grew tiresome of being isolated up in the Mountain. She was too close from it and it weighed on her. Lexa gladly obliged when Clarke asked to move back to Ton DC.

So about two weeks after they had vanquished the Mountain, the war camp was dismantled and the pair rode back to Ton DC. Lexa had insisted that Clarke shared her horse with her, not explicitly implying that she wanted to keep the blonde close to her, but arguing that a solo ride would strain her still recovering body. Which was a good enough excuse to have Clarke sit in front of Lexa and have her lean on the Commander, and do nothing except let her body make one with the horse’s regular footing.

Clarke’s mind drifted to the forest and the sky. It felt foreign to her eyes for she had not taken the time to fully grasp the beauty of her surroundings since her first day on the ground.

The forest was luxuriant in the shy late morning. The cold dew sticking to the trunks, grass, remaining leaves and pine needles made everything glisten. The sun fought to shine its bright warming light with a low sky that warned them of the impending winter. It pierced through the thick cotton-like cloud cover here and there, casting a timid light under the canopy.

 “I forgot how beautiful the light was when it filters through the branches, little spots of sun in random places.”

 “This is nothing compared to the way it plays with the waves and the color of your hair.”

 Clarke blushed and was glad that she was seated back to Lexa, and that the accompanying guards kept a respectful distance from them, eyes sharp on possible threats. It had been quite a strange journey for the both of them, from murderous attacks to romantic entanglement. Clarke was still trying to adjust to the change in their relationship, with Lexa expressing more openly her thoughts to Clarke when they were out of ears’ reach.

 “I like this side of you. Who knew the Commander could be sweet.”

 “The Commander is necessarily aloof and guarded. I am what my people need me to be. But I am not only this persona. The me underneath just never had an occasion to resurface lately.”

 Clarke didn’t feel the need to respond to the honest confession. She leant further into Lexa and closed her eyes to focus on the noises around her - chirping birds in the trees, rampant animals hiding on their path, the heavy hooves of their steed and the soft pulse of Lexa’s heart against her back. Clarke felt Lexa shift on the saddle to address her more formally.

 “I am going to make Ryder your permanent guard once we settle back in Ton DC. Is that alright with you?”

 “Are you asking my permission?” Clarke asked, slightly shocked that the Commander did even consider including her in this decision making whereas she never bothered to with more important moves in the past.

 “Yes. You were quite difficult when I assigned him to you before.”

 “If I say I don’t need protection, will you change your mind about it?”

 “No. You are a leader Clarke and as such you must be guarded. It would ease my mind.”

 “Fine. But the moment he gets on my nerves he’s out.”

 “As you wish.”

 Lexa delicately tightened the grip around Clarke’s waist, on her right side to avoid her abdomen wound, and Clarke discreetly rested her uninjured arm on top of Lexa’s. Lexa knew not to publically display affection, or so she was taught, but her favoritism for the Sky Princess had not gone unnoticed, even more so since the battle of the Mountain. She looked around at her warriors; if they were aware of the development of their Heda’s involvement with the Skai Prisa, they were smart enough not to show sign of it.

The rest of the trip to the village was met with silence. A content silence. None wishing to disturb this moment of sheer quietude. They lazily arrived in the afternoon, only having stopped for food when their bellies had growled with discontentment.

 With the majority of Ton DC in shambles and the reconstruction underway, a temporary camp had been settled at the edge of the village. Those whose huts had not been damaged housing the less fortunate, the rest using the tents when there was no more spare bed.

The warriors that had taken the war camp apart had managed to arrive ahead of their convoy and had erected Lexa’s tent between trees on a relatively flat parcel of dirt, at a respectable distance from the villagers but close enough to the remains of Ton DC.

Clarke felt exhausted from the trip and retired to the tent, once they were greeted by Lexa’s people and once she had respectfully followed Lexa to join Indra on her survey of the reconstruction. Lexa had not expressed she wanted Clarke to keep sharing her tent but it seemed that their silent agreement from their newfound routine had extended beyond Clarke’s recovery. And Lexa was not one to complain about this shared arrangement they fell naturally into. Clarke slept through the rest of the day and didn’t wake when Lexa slipped under the furs to wrap her arms around her.

 Clarke woke up the next day to an empty bed. She realized she must have overslept when she eyed a plate of food left for her on the table. With sore muscles, she carefully stretched and got up to get dressed.

As she walked to grab some of the food, she reminded herself to find Nyko to check her wounds and change the bandages. She cut the piece of bread in two and trapped the cheese between the slices. She bit a chunk of it and exited the tent as she chewed.

 “Ryder.” She greeted her guard as she passed him before he followed behind her. “Do you know where the Commander is?” She continued, slowing down to his level.

 “She is attending to the preparations for the feast on the outskirts of the forest.”

 Clarke didn’t press him for explanations and decided she’d ask Lexa herself. As she finished her ‘sandwich’, she rubbed her shirt to rid herself of the crumbs. Looking down, she saw the faintest stain of blood on the fabric. Finding Lexa would wait. Clarke made her way to Nyko’s tent with Ryder’s directions.

As she stepped inside, she came face to face with her mother in deep conversation with Nyko. She should have known that her mother would visit as soon as Clarke came back. Lexa must have sent for her last night or early this morning. But Clarke would have wanted a bit of a warning. They hadn’t seen each other since the aftermath of Ton DC and from what Octavia had told her, Abby was upset that she had been denied to bring Clarke back to Camp Jaha when her fever struck. Octavia had tried to get Clarke to talk to her mother via the walkie-talkie but Clarke had refused every time. She didn’t know how her mother had taken the fall of the Mountain and she had wanted to avoid for the longest time possible the dreadful heart-to-heart.

She made herself known when she ordered Ryder to stay outside no matter what he would hear. They both turned around to look at her. Nyko simply nodded whereas Abby closed the distance to cup her daughter’s face.

 “Clarke.” She said, tears brimming in her eyes. She kissed her daughter’s forehead. “You had me worried sick. When I heard you were hurt, I tried to come to you but Lexa wouldn’t let me. They contacted me when you got worse, you should have been with me. ” She accused.

 “Mom. A lot of people needed you. And I’m fine. Nyko took great care of me.” Clarke informed her, glancing at Nyko.

 “Mochof, Skai Prisa. Did you need me for something?”

 “It seems like I need a change of bandages. I should have come to you last night.”

 “Heda ordered not to wake you. I have everything ready.”

 “Would you…” Clarke started, looking at her mother.

 “I’m not leaving Clarke!”

 “I was actually going to suggest that you do it. I’m sure you want to see for yourself.”

 “Yes. I would have insisted otherwise.”

 “Nyko. Can you leave us please?”

 “Sha.” Nyko bowed his head after he put strips of cloth and vials of ointments on the table.

 “So what were you two talking about?” Clarke turned her full attention to her mother once she saw the flap of the tent fall back into place.

 “I was asking him about the recovery of those I’ve taken care of. But mostly about you.” She answered, placing a hand on Clarke’s cheek and giving it a brush.

 Abby gestured for her daughter to seat on the table. Clarke complied and proceeded to take her sling, coat and shirt off. Abby unwrapped the bandages with expert hands and pursed her lips at the wounds.

 “It’s going to leave some scaring, especially the burn.”

 “I’ll take the scars every time if it means I’ll live.”

 “You should have been brought back to Camp Jaha. I’m going to have a word with her. Then I’m taking you home with me.” Abby informed her daughter with a furrowed brow as she applied antiseptic on each wounds.

 “She saved my life. Can’t you be just grateful?” Clarke said as she winced from the sting of liquid on her skin.

 “I don’t trust her.” Abby stopped dabbing the lotion onto her daughter’s burn to look her in the eye.

 “I do.” Clarke replied, voice dripping of the immutable confidence she felt towards the Grounder leader.

 “I don’t want her influence on you. Her kind has only brought misery to our people since we’ve arrived.”

 “Her _kind_ took us in. They protected us, rescued us. Lexa forgave a lot about me and has been more than merciful where someone else wouldn’t have. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

 “I never wanted any of this for you.” Abby resumed cleaning the wounds, before applying a salve on each and bandaging them. Clarke remained silent during the rest of the treatment, urging her growing anger to calm down. Abby didn’t say a word either, concentrating her frustration into her work.

 “I tried mom. I tried to be the good guy.” Clarke whispered after some time, looking away from her mother. Abby was finishing up with the last of the bandages, tying a knot at her daughter’s upper arm.

 “Maybe there are no good guys.” Abby admitted with a hint of defeat. It was the first time she acknowledged that life on earth was more complicated than she had imagined it to be, but her admission was more profound that she wanted to convey, for it also included life on the Ark. They were no good guys there either, only a struggling population fighting everyday with the blind faith that’d live long enough to see a brighter future. Abby was no better.

 “Maybe not.” Clarke said with a sad smile, body still, on the table. Her relationship with her mother had been seriously damaged since they had reunited. But hearing her mother say those words could be the breakthrough she needed to start mending it.

 “But what you did was wrong.” Abby rebuked Clarke, eyes full of sadness and disappointment, ruining the efforts Clarke thought her mother had just made.

Abby still wouldn’t accept that Ton DC had been an unforeseen yet inevitable collateral damage in a war she only had disgust for. She couldn’t accept that it was only a stepping-stone in her daughter’s wake. A step towards a more nefarious design.

 “Maybe but it doesn’t matter. I killed them all and nothing can be done about that.” Clarke answered, matter-of-factly, jumping off the table to retrieve her shirt.

 “You should have found another way.” Abby breathed out in her daughter’s back.

 “What would you have me do? Let them kill you so that your pride remained intact. You’re unbelievable. Do you hear yourself?” Clarke furiously spun around.

 “They were innocents.” Abby accused.

 “I was innocent. That didn’t stop you.” Clarke spat, pointing a finger at herself then at her mother.

 “I did what was necessary for you and our people.” Abby retorted, brushing her daughter’s accusatory hand aside.

 “As did I. What is so hard for you to understand? Don’t blame me for becoming who you made me to be.” Clarke threw her hands in the air and grumbled in utter frustration.

 “I didn’t raise a murderer.” Abby blurted out in a fit of anger, regretting the words as soon as they left her lips.

 “And my mother wasn’t a hypocritical egomaniac. I guess we are both disappointing.” Clarke was profoundly hurt and replied with twice the weight of scathing words.

 “Your father would be ashamed.” Abby was now teary-eyed from this heartbreaking turn of events.

 “Well, he’s not here, is he?” Clarke shrugged impetuously. And Abby just slapped her. Abby slapped Clarke and took a step forward to apologize, but Clarke wouldn’t have it. Clarke looked at the woman in front of her and couldn’t recognize her. Her mother had never been so cruel. Shocked, Clarke backed away, grabbing the rest of her affairs as she left. Abby was left alone, sobbing.

 Clarke hid away in the Commander’s tent for the rest of the day, avoiding any other incongruous encounter that would result in words that couldn’t be taken back. She busied herself with maps of the area, transcripts of meetings that occurred in the aftermath of the fall of the Mountain. But she couldn’t recall what she had seen or read, her mind battling feelings her mother had rekindled in her heart. Feelings she didn’t want to take cognizance of. Feelings from actions she’d have to atone for and she had no idea how.

Octavia had come by for lunch and they had picked up their language lesson. Octavia even pushed as far as making Clarke repeat while giving knife handling lessons – turning it around fingers, throwing it in the air and catching it by the handle…It was a distraction Clarke was getting good at.

They were both sat, cross-legged, on the floor, facing each other, trying different braiding style on Octavia when Lexa entered, flushed from chopping wood and carrying it back to the village to prepare for the celebrations. Octavia scrambled back to her feet and bowed.

 “Heda.” Octavia saluted the Commander.

 “Okteivia.” Lexa greeted back.

 “Leida Klark.” ( _Bye Clarke_ ) Octavia looked down to wink at Clarke before leaving.

 Lexa walked to the table and pushed the papers aside. She unbuckled her shoulder guard and set it on the table before taking off her coat she threw on a chair. Despite the cool air, Lexa was sweating profusely. She went to another table and poured water in a basin, damp a rag and started to clean her face off of the sweat. She had not worn war paint since the morning after the end of the war and she liked that she had no use for it anymore.

 “Ha yu?” ( _How are you?_ ) Lexa asked as she carried the basin to the main table, rubbing the cloth on her neck.

 “Nou foto.” ( _I’m ok._ ) Clarke replied from the floor, undoing the braids Octavia had managed to do on an unwilling Clarke.

 “You are getting good at Trigedasleng.” Lexa congratulated her as she eyed gorgeous blonde hair twirling around delicate fingers.

 “I’ve picked up a few words along the way. And you know Octavia helps me. She enjoys having someone to share your culture with. She’s really enthusiastic. There’s not much else I can do in bed or around your tent.”

 “Must I remind you this is your tent as much as mine, and you’re not confined inside anymore. I saw your mother leaving the village. Did she come to you?” Lexa inquired cautiously.

 “Yes. Well, more like I came to her. She was quite blunt about the fact that she didn’t like me staying here, with you.” Clarke summed up, letting out the part with the strife that had ensued.

 “Do you wish to leave with her?” Lexa had not felt the need nor had the will to inform Clarke that she had no obligation to stay in Ton DC now that her health was on the right track. Clarke could leave and Lexa did not want her to.

It had felt so natural for Clarke to be among Lexa’s people and to be around the brunette everyday that she hadn’t thought about leaving. If she had to be honest, even before her argument with her mother, Clarke didn’t feel ready to jump back to responsibilities. She didn’t feel able to take the pressure of judgments and prejudices after what she’d done.

 “I’ve heard you’re having a feast?” Clarke broke the silence, changing the discussion to avoid answering the question, remembering this piece of information Ryder let slip up.

 “Yes, in five days. It is customary to celebrate a victory. I had it postponed long enough. Now that the warriors have healed and we have returned, it is time to indulge our people.” Lexa replied, sensing that Clarke needed the diversion.

 

In the following days, Lexa busied herself around the village with rebuilding, preparing, training, hunting and responding to missives from other Clans. Lexa longed for the moments she got to spend time with Clarke once she had dismissed the day. Though she sensed that Clarke’s behavior had changed ever since they had returned to Ton DC. Lexa had gently asked Clarke not to overdo it around camp, knowing the eagerness Clarke had the tendency to throw herself with to any helping activity. But the blonde had mostly kept to herself, staying inside their tent or wandering haphazardly in the adjacent forest. Lexa grew more concerned every day and would only get vague explanations at night, feeling the blonde slip away when she held her in her protective arms.

 Clarke had thought that putting physical distance between herself and the Mountain would ease the ache she felt in her chest but waking up every day to the echo of the life’s loss she caused revealed to be harder than she thought she could handle. Even her daily walks in the forest couldn’t stop her bleeding heart. So she let the ache tear at her inside and put up a front on the outside.

 Clarke hadn’t cried yet. She wouldn’t shed a tear. She felt she had no right to do so. Crying would solve nothing. It wouldn’t erase the past. Holding back the tears was her only way to punish herself. Clarke wanted to hold on to the pain as her penance, if she believed in it. She didn’t. Keeping it all in was her personal take on ‘Jus drein jus daun.’ She bled herself haunted. She lived and breathed torment. She would held captive her feelings and let them rattle the cage of her heart and mind.

 Lexa saw Clarke mentally perished. Clarke had managed to fool everyone else but Lexa was the one who brought solace to the girl during her restless nights. Lexa could not let the one that healed her heart suffer this way. Lexa did not want to lose Clarke to the Mountain, to herself and her stubbornness. But all she could see was the pain in Clarke’s stormy blue orbs. Lexa’s chest grew heavy.

 _Could she have prevented Clarke from killing the Mountain Men herself?_ _Could she have eased her burden with the sacrifice of Ton DC?_ Lexa had her own torments, most of which revolved around the Sky girl. There was no escape for Clarke but to feel, to feel it all and be consumed by it until there was nothing left for it to eat at. Lexa knew it all too well as she had cheated her feelings in the past and ran from them altogether. It should not be Clarke’s reaction, how she should cope with it. It would not. Lexa was determined to make sure of it.

 When all came back to her breathtakingly at Clarke’s contact, Lexa had realized that what went around came around, the longer the denial the harder the truth. Clarke had freed Lexa’s weight upon her heart; a weight that had grown heavier with each repressed feeling.

Lexa had never been in control of her heart. It was a wild thing that could not be tamed. She only had the illusion of control behind her mask. The mask remained but changed in its nature as she opened up to Clarke, though remnants of old habits persisted for the sake of legitimacy and leadership. A lot could be done in a matter of days but some things were too well anchored to be stripped away by the soft voice of a certain girl. Lexa was still learning. And she needed Clarke. She needed her whole, not the empty shell of her former self. Lexa would not tolerate weakness this way.

 Lexa yawned and felt Clarke stir against her under the furs. She tilted her chin down to see heavy lidded dark blue eyes looking right at her.

 “Your thoughts are loud.” Clarke said in a sluggish voice, the shadow of a smile on her lips.

 “They are not.” Lexa replied, kissing her forehead.

 “I had dozed off until your heart beat faster. What’s on your mind?” Clarke asked, chasing the sleep from her eyes.

 “What is on yours?” Lexa tried to turn the conversation away from her with a seductive voice.

 “Lexa.” Clarke warned, setting herself on her elbow to look down at the brunette.

 “I am not the one waking up in anguish night after night. Talk to me Clarke.” Lexa countered, mimicking Clarke’s position with a concerned look.

 “I asked first.” Clarke stated, narrowing her eyes.

 “Clarke, please.” Lexa pleaded with a sigh.

 “No. No ‘Clarke please’.” Clarke pushed herself up higher on her hand in an angry outburst before settling down in a sitting position, knees brought to her chest. “I told you once, you don’t get to choose when it’s opportune for you to open up.” She added over her shoulder.

 “I am not the one with incessant nightmares.” Lexa accused while sitting up herself.

 “That doesn’t mean you have no concerns that bother you.” Clarke replied, softer, turning her head to Lexa.

 “My only concern is with you. I know how grief can affect someone.”

 Lexa had gone through what Clarke was experiencing more times that she could count but she knew it was more than that though; it was like, after Mount Weather, Clarke had split into two personas, very much like herself, only both were guarded.

 “I don’t want to talk about it.” Clarke snapped back curtly as she flopped onto the bed, turning her back to Lexa.

 “Know that I am here when you decide you need to.” Lexa’s loving presence and soothing words reached Clarke to her core and she wished it were enough but the darkness from within were stronger. She let Lexa wrap her arms around her frail figure and fell into another exhausting slumber.

 

About three weeks into recovery and roughly one week back in Ton DC, Clarke had the surprise visit of her friends. They had been informed by Indra, on Lexa’s approving suggestion (and surely as an attempt to have some impacting affect on her), that Clarke was well enough to receive visitors. Lincoln lived in the village and Octavia was around most of the time, but they joined the group nonetheless. Bellamy, Raven, Wick, Monty, Monroe, Harper and Miller had made the trip. Jasper’s evident absence from the group of her closest friends was hurtful but comprehensible.

They arrived in the middle of the afternoon the day the celebration was happening and spent their time in the guest tent that had been prepared for the occasion. Clarke should have been clued in when it was erected away and ahead of the housing preparations for the celebratory feast. It had been stuffed with several cots, cushions, furs, benches and a long table.

 They spoke at length about how they were settling back to their routine, upgrading the Ark, training, hunting and all purposely avoiding the topic of Mount Weather. Clarke guessed Lexa might have given orders and she was grateful. She knew they’d talk about it eventually. They had to, but she was thankful none decided to push it for now.

They complained about the deteriorating weather, how the cold made the metal of the Ark even less sympathetic than usual. Raven and Wick had managed to divert a part of the power to dedicate it to a heat system. They had been warned; winter was the most ruthless season and made lots of victims. Clarke hid it well but that casual statement made her cringe. The prospect of death, even from natural causes, was still a sensitive subject. One that surrounded her despite her best efforts to avoid it.

 Food was brought in and they helped themselves as they sat more comfortably on the cushions. The feast was not supposed to happen before dark so they were not spoiling their appetite.

Clarke looked at them, one by one. They were eating and drinking, smiling and laughing, teasing and joking, playing the game of being reunited like no other. They had been there many times, being separated too often without knowing if and when they would see each other again.

Clarke felt a reprieve being in the presence of her friends, who had managed to hold back judgment and pity away from their eyes. They were warm and alive. For a time, she felt light-hearted, the load that had weighed on her temporarily set aside so she could enjoy the moment.

Monty and Wick stood up to get to a large bag Clarke had wondered about when they arrived.

 “Ok so your mom couldn’t come now because of the patients she’s looking after but we asked her about something you’d like.” Raven explained as the guys came closer with the bag.

 “O-kay. You do know my mom is avoiding me because she and I had a major argument right?” Clarke said, nervously.

 “You’re always fighting. But no she didn’t say.” Raven assured her.

 “Anyway, hmm, Wick and I we rigged some stuff together.” Monty interrupted them.

 “You’re losing me here. What’s got to do with my mom?” Clarke asked, perplexed.

 “Well, while scavenging for parts I came across chips and hard drives. I did a pretty good jo…” Monty tried to brag but was cut short by Wick.

 “What he means is he found movies.”

 “Lots of them.” Monty added, glaring at Wick.

 “Your mom told that you might like it. I’ve never seen one, could be fun!” Octavia exclaimed.

 “I warned them you could hate the idea. You know, because of space and all.” Raven said, hands thrown defensively.

 “I…this is…thoughtful. Really. And you’re all fine with it?” Clarke asked, cautious.

 “Why not? It’ll be a nice change for once.” Bellamy replied, bluntly, oblivious to the meaning behind his comment.

 “Bell!” Octavia reprimanded him, slapping his shoulder.

 “What?” Bellamy questioned, still oblivious.

 “No. He’s right. Carefree is good.” Clarke defended him.

 With a victorious smirk, Monty brought a projector out that looked like the one she had back on the Ark. Monty had tinkered it so it would work on a portable power source and rigged it with a loud speaker. It was handy work. With Wick’s help, he placed it on the table behind them.

 “So, I can’t really shuffle through the videos. Raven didn’t have the time to configure a remote. We can only switch to the next one without knowing which is it till it’s on.” Monty clarified.

 “We are going to need a white sheet or something that’ll make do. Somebody forgot about it.” Wick teased.

 “Hey! I didn’t forget about it, I just…forgot it.” Raven protested.

 “Same difference.” Wick continued with his banter towards Raven.

 “Stay put. I’ll ask around. Maybe even bring some curious Grounders.” Clarke proposed, willing to share this experience with the Commander and see if Lexa would react the same Clarke did when she saw a horse for the first time.

 “Sure. I’d like to see Indra’s face.” Octavia laughed at the thought of catching her First off guard.

 “I’ll be right back.” Clarke added before exiting the tent.

 Clarke decided she would look by herself before resigning to ask someone. It didn’t take long for Clarke to reach Lexa’s tent, which was also hers by extension she kept reminding herself. Ryder had followed and taken his place by the entrance, alone. Meaning the Commander wasn’t inside. Clarke hesitated for a second about rummaging through the chests to find what she was looking for. She didn’t want to be caught red-handed, though there was no malice with her being here without Lexa’s presence or being informed. Clarke hadn’t seen Lexa on her way in and couldn’t waste time looking for her around camp, especially if she was supervising the last preparations for the celebration. She didn’t want to bother her for such trivial thing. Clarke took a step forward, then another until she knelt in front of her own chest first. There was no shame in looking inside what had been given to her. She had opened the lid when she heard someone behind her, clearing their throat. Clarke didn’t need to turn around to find out who it was. No one other than her and Lexa were allowed to walk freely inside this tent.

 “I went to the guest tent to see if you needed anything. To my surprise, you were not there.” Lexa amusingly complained.

 “I just left to look for something white and large to serve as a screen.” Clarke said over he shoulder, still crouched by her chest.

 “You should have sent someone.” Lexa gently scolded her.

 “Lexa, I’m healed enough to carry a simple linen.” Clarke sighed, as she closed the lid.

 “Alright. I may have something of use. Does it have to be white?” Lexa walked to Clarke and offered her a hand to help her back on her feet.

 “Not really. A pale color will do the trick.” Clarke replied as she took the hand, dusting herself off once she stood up.

 Lexa went to one of her chests and grabbed a light khaki thick fabric twice the size of the war table that stood feet from them.

 “It used to be a table cloth. It has dagger holes in it. Will it be a problem?” Lexa shrugged.

 “Dagger holes?” Clarke raised her eyebrows, amused at what she guessed were the result of Lexa’s antics.

 Lexa handed sheepishly the sheet to Clarke, whose hands lingered in the space between them, arms held out in front of her.

 “You should come.” Clarke offered with an inviting look.

 “What do you plan to do?” Lexa inquired.

 “Watch a movie…It’s moving pictures, like drawings, but they are hmm… alive?!” Clarke smiled as she tried to explain.

 “I have read about it but the concept still is foreign to me. How can pictures be alive?” Lexa asked with genuine curiosity.

 “If you come, you’ll see.” Clarke enticed her, giving her a small kiss on the cheek. With that Clarke left the tent and a confused Lexa behind.

 

 “I’ve found this.” Clarke exclaimed as she entered the tent, brandishing the cloth in front of her.

 “Took you long enough.” Raven complained with a mocking tone.

 “Yeah, because white-ish sheets are so common in Grounders’ home.” Clarke retorted, handing the linen to Wick.

 “Let’s do this.” He proclaimed.

 Monty turned the projector on and Clarke held her breath. It has been so long since she had been in front of a movie that it felt like another lifetime. As soon as she made her mental comment, she realized the awful truth from it. It did belong to another life, one she hadn’t taken time to think about since reality on the ground came at the forefront in the meanderings of her mind. This realization was a sad truth to stumble upon and melancholy submerged her. Clarke would not let it show. Her friends somehow needed this more that she did. Making them happy with this gesture was enough to overlook the tightening of her chest.

 They came across many movies, cartoons and even old educational films from their school curricular but couldn’t decide which one to watch. There was always someone to veto the film on display. They had vetoed anything that talked about war, future, space, apocalypse, horror, complicated plot, drama, romcom…pretty much every movie they seemed to have. They finally agreed on the majority win and settled for an animated movie that was light and innocent enough not to re-ash painful memories.

They were halfway through the movie when their laughter and the vehement soundtrack attracted curious onlookers. It had been one thing to imagine the reaction of someone who’s never seen a movie, let alone knowing what it was, but it was truly another to see the apprehension turned into awe on their faces, especially the kids. Their tent had filled so much Clarke had retreated to the back, leaning her shoulder on one of the posts.

 “This is entertaining, but I do not see why the monsters are scarred of one little girl.” Lexa whispered in Clarke’s ear, catching her off-guard. Clarke’s body stiffened from the sudden public proximity. Lexa rounded the post and leaned her back against it, at Clarke’s side. No one was paying them attention.

 “She came from a world they were taught to fear and scare but she is not afraid of them.” Clarke explained softly in a hushed voice.

 “A bit like us.” Lexa affirmed as she looked at Clarke.

 “I guess so.” Clarke smiled with her eyes, catching Lexa’s.

 “I like the blue fluffy bear. He is kind and protective of her.”

 “Black suits you better.” Clarke confessed to an admiring Lexa, her eyes locked on the screen and a smile at her lips. Lexa quietly laughed at the comparison, a sound Clarke could get used to. Lexa allowed herself to revel in the intimacy offered by their isolated positions and the captivating moving pictures her people stared at. Even Indra peaked from time to time inside the tent.

 She felt Clarke rest her head on her shoulder and indulged in the happiness that gave her. She uncrossed her arms and wrapped Clarke around her middle with one. She entwined the other with Clarke’s hand. They stayed like this until Indra ordered the kids home for the chores to do before the feast. Lexa walked to the entrance to see them out. They were no Grounders left inside by the time the kids exited, apart from Nyko who had waited for an opportune time to check on Clarke.

They were in deep discussion about the range motion of her right shoulder when the movie froze. It intrigued Clarke for she knew this was not the end of it. She turned around when the image changed and her heart skipped a beat from the ice-cold blood that had invaded her body.

She was facing her father.

She recognized her old home and the clothes he was wearing. They were burned in her mind. She wanted to move forward to turn the projector off but her body wouldn’t obey, the empty hole his absence had created urging her to take the memento that was given to her. Her friends were too surprised by the glitch to even realize the tragedy that was occurring. Most of them had not recognized the man. The video unfroze as her father stepped back from the camera and sat in his chair.

 

_“People of the Ark. Today I need to talk to you about our future. The things I need to tell you are serious. The Ark is dying. This city in space that has been our sanctuary will be no more. Time is running out. This is an undeniable reality, but we have pledged our lives to make sure that humanity doesn’t share that fate. Now, while there’s still time, we must come together and face this crisis head on. I believe it will bring out the best in us – our strength, our humanity, our faith. That we will come together in this time of uncertainty as a people. I’m telling you this because you must know the truth, and because I want a future for my child and yours. God speed.”_

_Jake paused, lost in his thought for a moment before facing the camera again._

_“Clarke my beautiful daughter. If you are seeing this video, it means that I succeeded or been denounced. Either way, I’m not with you anymore and for that I’m sorry. Don’t blame yourself for my actions. It’s only you and your mother now. Take care of each other. I’m so proud of the remarkable woman you are becoming. You have so much heart and passion. Always remember who you are. May we meet…”_

_Clarke barged in behind her father._

_“You’re gonna disobey the Council, aren’t you?”_

_Her father turned around on his chair, back to the camera he didn’t turn off and looked at his daughter, facing him, like he didn’t know what she was talking about._

_“Dad, I know. I heard you and mom.” Clarke said, rolling her eyes._

_“Okay, you know. I’ve been thinking about this a long time. People have a right to know. Your mother doesn’t understand.” He defended._

_“What’s the plan?”_

_“You don’t need to know the plan.”_

_“Well, you’re making a video. So what? You’re gonna break to the communications’ mainframe?!” Clarke said as she gestured towards the camera, looking past her father. “Making you either suicidal or incredibly dumb!” She continued._

_“Wow, you are picking a fine moment to start behaving like a typical teenager.” He said as he stood from the chair to rest his hands on his daughter’s shoulders._

_“I’m gonna help you.”_

_“No Clarke, you can’t.”_

_“But I can.”_

_“Absolutely not.”_

_Clarke stood firm, looking straight in her father’s eyes, not backing down._

_“Oh kiddo. You get that stubborn streak from your mother, you know. One of the many things I love about both of you.” Jake hugged her and kissed her on the top of her head._

_They were both startled by noises coming from the outside. Clarke went to the door and left their quarters for a moment before she came back running._

_“Dad. Guards are coming this way.” She exclaimed, out of breath, as she closed the door to their quarters._

_“Everything is going to be okay. I promise.” He said as he took something from the recording device. Then he went out of the frame. Clarke followed him with her eyes, turning her head._

_“Don’t hide it in there. They’ll find it. Here, let me.” She extended her arm and also stepped out of the frame, walking towards her father._

_“No Clarke. I can’t bring you further into this. You should go before they come.” He said as he was pushing Clarke back into the frame towards the door. Clarke turned furiously around._

_“I won’t leave you.”_

_“Clarke. GO.” Her father insisted, his hand ready to swipe the door open._

_“No.” She said with finality, crossing her arms in front of her, blocking the door. As she heard stomping in the corridor, she stepped away from the door, ready to face the guards. Her father quickly disappeared before standing beside her, extending a protective arm in front of her to prevent her from doing anything. The door opened and the guards swarmed inside._

_“Jake Griffin. You are under arrest. You were found guilty of high treason. You are to be led to the Chancellor in the Space Bay.” The Major spoke._

_“What? No! He hasn’t been tried yet.”_

_“Clarke. It’s done.” Jake grabbed Clarke by the shoulders and looked her in the eyes._

_Clarke didn’t accept it and fought the guards that were coming to take her father away._

_“I won’t let you float him for trying to save your sorry ass.”_

_She landed a punch on one of the guards’ jaw who, in result, stumbled back from the unexpectedness and surprising force of it. The other one grabbed the shock baton and went at her. Her father tried to intervene but two other guards moved to restrain him. He struggled against them, trying to fend them off, as he watched his daughter being stunned._

_“Stop this. I’ll follow. Just leave my daughter alone.” He pleaded._

_“Lieutenant Carmichael. Take her to the holding cells. Inform the Chancellor of the situation.”_

_“You don’t have to do this.” He tried again._

_The high-ranked guard nodded for the guards to move out. Clarke regained her senses and she pushed forward to lock her arms around her father’s neck._

_“I’ll warn them. I’ll find a way.”_

_“No Clarke. Listen to me, do not do that.”_

_The guards were pulling Clarke away from her father._

_“Get off of me. Let me go.” She struggled, watching, helpless as her father was carried out of their home._

_“Dad! DAD!” She cried._

_“Be strong Clarke.” Her father said as he was led away in the corridor._

_Clarke tried to free herself from the stronghold only to be stunned again. She fell semi-conscious before being dragged out. Wells was in the crowd that had gathered outside the Griffins’ quarters. He watched with concern his friend being arrested before disappearing from the screen. The remaining guards searched the room and the recording stopped when one of the guards swept the desk and broke the lens._

 

All eyes were on Clarke but nobody dared approach her, too aghast to even think about it. Even Lexa was in shock from what she had seen. Clarke had barely time to register what just happened – consumed, distressed and shattered by the memory – when another video started. On this one, Clarke was a little girl on her father’s lap and her mother rounded the camera to join them, a lit makeshift candle in hand. Clarke who had been frozen in place ever since her father had appeared on the screen, so far from space, reacted as she ran towards the projector and Monty.

 “Turn it off.”

  _“Happy birthday to you…”_

 “Turn it off now!” Clarke yelled.

 “I’m trying.” Monty whimpered, panicking.

 Clarke didn’t wait for Monty to figure out how to stop the cruel video. Clarke grabbed the hardware, ripped it off the projector and smashed it on the ground.

Clarke was breathing fast, fuming and panicking. She raised her head to look at the people that now surrounded her, trying to reach her with their hands, kindness and reassuring words. Lexa had stayed by the entrance of the tent. She was not familiar with Clarke’s past in the sky nor did she gather all the circumstances that had led Clarke to prison, but she understood that her relation with a father had been one of utmost respect and love. Apart from a strand of braided her and trinkets, Grounders did not keep souvenirs from those who were gone. To dwell on the past was seen as weakness. Lexa did not know how she would react if she saw Costia’s face again but she knew that it would be heartbreaking. So she looked deeply into Clarke’s eyes, nodded her understanding and opened the flap for her to escape before blocking the way from her overly inquisitive friends.

 Clarke fled and did not spare a look to see if anyone was following her. She knew Ryder was her shadow no matter the circumstances. Grounders had started to arrive from villages in the vicinity, landing a hand to put the finishing touches to the decorations and light the torches. But she didn’t pay much attention as she passed them.

 

As dusk was falling, Clarke ran across the training ground and only stopped when she tripped over a root at the far end of the plot. She did not bother getting up after falling on her knees, unconsciously not wishing to worry Lexa furthermore like she sure was after what just happened and would if she ran into the forest as she had first intended to do. Clarke arched her back backwards as she raised her face towards the sky, closing her eyes with her intake of air. Then she violently fell on her hands as nausea bubbled up in her chest. She bent forward as the content of her stomach ran down the dirt, acid tears streaking her cheeks. She stayed like this, on all fours over the putrescent rejection of her guts, until she felt the heaves die down. When she was certain her stomach had nothing left to bring back up, Clarke picked herself up, wiped her mouth with her sleeve and walked back to the camp. As she nears her tent, she saw Bellamy waiting by the fire in front of it. By the looks of it, Lexa had already gone to greet her people. She slowed down to ask Ryder to give her some privacy. Ryder nodded and passed her to take his place by the tent’s entrance. Clarke resumed her fast pace and gestured for Bellamy to sit back down as she joined him on the log.

 “Hey. Were you really waiting for me?” Clarke wondered, huskily.

 “Somebody’s got to look out for you.” Bellamy leant on his side and softly bumped her shoulder.

 “You’ve gone a long way Bellamy Blake.” Clarke bumped him back, with genuine admiration and something that could be interpreted as sibling love.

 “Look who’s talking.” Bellamy said, playful.

 “I think we all have.” Clarke replied, staring at the mesmerizing dancing flames, with such brokenness and sadness in her voice Bellamy stilled.

 “You’re alright Princess?” Bellamy pondered her words a moment before asking as he moved to face Clarke, folding a leg to rest on the log.

 “I will be, eventually.” Clarke squared her shoulders as an attempt to convince him, and also herself, that she believed in her words.

 “We’re here for you, you know that right?”

 “I know. Thanks Bell.”

 “You’re an actual badass, that punch! A born rebel.” Bellamy exclaimed, trying to lightened the mood a bit.

 “I guess it’s a family thing.” Clarke replied shyly.

 “Do you miss him?” Bellamy asked, serious again.

 “Every day, especially now. I thought I would be happy if I saw his face again, or heard his voice, but it only reminds me of his absence. I’m sorry I ran out on you guys.”

 “Don’t worry about it. And I know what you mean. Though I’d like a picture or something of my mom to remember her by.”

 “You have Octavia.”

 “She has her temper you know. Octavia is mom’s spitting image.”

 “She is resilient. She is more like you than you give yourself credit for.”

 Bellamy looked over at the growing crowd, at the flux of people converging towards the village, where intensifying chatter could be heard.

 “We better get going. We wouldn’t want to be late to our own victory party.”

 “You go. I’ll catch up. I got to change.”

 “Sure thing Princess. I guess I’ll see you there.”

 “I’ll save you a drink.”

 Bellamy walked a few steps backwards, grinning, before turning around and running at a light pace to the village. Clarke watched him disappear between tents and huts before standing up and entering the tent.

As she walked to her chambers, she saw pieces of clothing laid for her on the bed. It was nothing fancy but still better than the clothes Octavia had found among the spares at the Ark and brought back to her in Ton DC. Most of Clarke’s clothes had been torn, ripped or stained at some point.

Clarke was getting tired of her old rags though she had never asked for anything, especially new clothes, but she wasn’t naïve to think they had not been purposefully gathered for her. She knew she’d have to thank Lexa. She was glad the brunette cared for the little things Clarke thought Lexa would not bother herself with. Clarke liked these small intentions, as it spoke volume for the Commander.

Clarke stepped closer to the bed and picked up the first thing her hands reached – dark brown form fitting pants with subtle padding at the knees. Then she looked on and found a dark blue tunic with long sleeves and a brown leather jacket with small leather guards sewn at each shoulder, and fur-lined hood and rims. It wasn’t warrior clothing; if it were, the coat wouldn’t stop at her waist. But it was definitely Grounder clothes.

She changed and remarked that the clothes fit perfectly, designed to be practical yet comfortable. She found matching leather fingerless gloves in the pockets and a thin leather headband. It would keep her hair from falling in her face while not having to tie locks of her own hair to achieve the same result. Clarke wished she had a full-length mirror within reach to see the fruit of this thoughtful, well-matched outfit.

She quickly cleaned her face and walked out with an assured pace, relegating the earlier debacle to the back of her mind.

 

Clarke had lost the notion of time. Days and weeks and months were a blur, and she couldn’t tell how far along they were in the year anymore. All she could grasp was that winter was at their door and the crisp air the wind blew made her shiver. However, as Clarke approached the throng of Grounders and Sky People alike, she could see the feast had been prepared like it would have been any given summer day. Long tables were dressed with clothes and flowers, candles set equally distant to one another on each table. A post had been planted in the middle of the gathering with several ropes and strips of fabrics stretched from it to surrounding roofs and trees. Fine colored ribbons, flower braids and ball-shaped lanterns made of glass and steel with burning scented oil hung above the tables. Torches had been set in the ground and fire pits were arranged around the assembly. A small stage had been constructed to welcome the Commander’s table, to overlook the people.

On one side of the venue, a massive banquet table was over-flooded with food; an entire roasted bear stood in the middle with different assortments of meat, vegetables, berries, nuts, cheese and bread. There were amphoras filled with sour wine and craft beers, a gift from the Grass Clan leader who couldn’t make the trip. Several leaders, those who were the farthest from Ton DC had respectfully declined the Commander’s invitation and sent representatives in their place, bearing offerings that represented the specific skill of the Clan it came from – the forementioned drinks, weaponry, furs…

Clarke took it all in and couldn’t but open her mouth and stare in wonder. Clarke’s eyes wandered around her and found a pair of green ones that were looking intensely back at her. Clarke pulled herself from her daze and smiled softly at Lexa who could not keep her eyes off of the blonde ever since she caught sight of her walking among the crowd. Lexa nodded with an approving smile as her eyes traveled down and up Clarke’s body, and waved for her to come to her.

 “I guess I should thank you for the clothes.” Clarke said with no preamble as she stopped in front of Lexa.

 “No need. It was the least I could do.” Lexa stated as she took a better look at the blonde whose outfit fitted closely her curves.

 “You shouldn’t have but thank you anyway.” Clarke insisted with a shy smile.

 “You are welcome Clarke.” Lexa said as she locked her gaze to the Sky girl.

 Lexa adjusted a rebellious strand on Clarke’s forehead, bringing it behind the girl’s ear. It was an anodyne gesture yet the signification behind it wasn’t lost on those who bore witness of the small exchange. Lexa was subtly affirming her claim on Clarke. Lexa’s hand lingered a moment on the side of Clarke’s head and Clarke turned her head a little to deepen the contact.

They stayed silent, content to be with the other, looking into each other’s soul before Clarke felt unease at the amount of emotions Lexa’s eyes could convey and stir up in her. Clarke felt her heartbeat increase. She took a step back and broke the spell as she concentrated her attention on something else.

 “Are all feasts always decorated so beautifully?”

 “This is a historical occasion. Those that take place during festivals in Polis are even more wondrous. You will see for yourself when we go there.”

 Clarke averted her eyes to hide the blush that was creeping on her cheeks. She had forgotten Lexa’s offer to join her to the capital before Clarke had more or less confessed she wasn’t indifferent to the way Lexa made her feel. They hadn’t talk about it again after the battle but Clarke was somehow pleased to hear the offer still stood. As Clarke raised her head to look back at Lexa, she saw her friends gathered in the background, glancing towards her, concern on their face. She offered them a weak smile before turning her attention back to the brunette in front of her.

 “I’m sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have run like I did. It wasn’t really leaderlike.”

 “You do not have to apologize. I do not know how I would have reacted in your place. Your father looked like he was a good man.”

 “He was. That day was the last I saw him. They executed him, and I thought…to hear him...With everything that’s happened, I had to get out.”

 “Your friends were not too pleased I threatened them with my sword to not follow you.” She said, a smirk playing on her lips, as she looked behind her to Clarke’s group of friends. “They worry about you.” Lexa added, in all seriousness.

 “I know.” Clarke replied with a sigh.

 “Come. Let us begin.” Lexa gestured for Clarke to walk with her to the Commander’s table. As she walked, Clarke looked around to see her mother’s whereabouts, as she was sure to be seated at the same table, and found her withdrawn from the Sky People’s delegation, brooding in a corner. Clarke didn’t linger and determinedly avoided to pay attention to her.

 

Lexa and Clarke stood behind their chair as their respective party joined them on the stage. Indra and Ford, Lexa’s newly appointed General in her personal guard, sat at the Commander’s right. Bellamy, Marcus and Abby were at Clarke’s left, Abby seating the farthest from her. Octavia, Lincoln and Ryder stood behind Clarke with the rest of Lexa’s guards, waiting to be dismissed. A table had been set for them, near the Commander’s table.

Lexa called for the crowd to quiet down as she started her speech.

 “Teik sen ai in! Ai kru. Kom Tondisi en oda stegedas. Osir glong raun hir ona disha sheidgeda gon kik sliplei kom oson mou biga baga op. Sonrauns don giv op ba oso don kik maunon thru. En hir ste klir kom emo nou. Jus don daun chof gon Skaikru. Skaikru ste lukot kom kongeda-de. Prisa Klark kom Skaikru don sis ol au taim em don klir sonrauns kom oson krus op en don flosh Maun-de klin. Ona disha sheidgeda osir ste seimon. Graun en skai. Ona disha sheidgeda osir kik sonplein op. Gon wines!” ( _Listen! My people. From Ton DC and other villages. We are gathered here tonight to celebrate the fall of our greatest enemy. Lives were sacrificed but we survived the Mountain Men. We are safe from them now. Blood had blood thanks to the Sky People. Sky People are friends of the Coalition. Prisa Clarke of the Sky People helped us all when she saved the lives of our people and destroyed the Mountain. Tonight, we are the same. Ground and Sky. Tonight, we celebrate life. To victory.”_ )

 Lincoln had come to Clarke to translate what the Commander was saying and finished up just as Lexa raised her glass. Clarke looked as people imitated her to toast while chanted ‘Gon wines’. Lexa and Clarke exchanged an infinitesimal glance full of pride and devotion, and a hint of sadness on Clarke’s part, before taking a sip and sitting down.

 

The celebration was at its apex. The food had come and gone, bones and crumbs littering the plates that had been carelessly moved on the tables. Candlewax was running along their stick and onto the tables, sticking to the wood. Glasses had spilled their content on disheveled table clothes. The scented oil filled the air with their sweet fragrance of honey and cinnamon. People were mingling, pouring glass of deliciously treacherous beverage to those who could still form coherent thoughts, Sky People daring Grounders to drink Monty’s Moonshine bottom’s up. Pleasing notes of flutes, drums and other unidentified instruments were playing over the increasing drunken chatter, the bravest dancing on tables to the melody.

Clarke had longed retreated to one of the fire pits, looking at the party from the outside, not feeling the need or appropriate to celebrate life when it was won on the back of so much death. So, when her table was informally dismiss to partake in the celebration of their victory, Clarke had left Lexa to the politics of entertaining her guests, took an half-emptied amphora and found a log by a deserted fire. She was starting to feel the effects of the sour Grounder wine when Raven joined her. Clarke poured herself another drink and gestured for Raven’s glass. Raven shook her head no and put her glass on the ground before determinedly turning to Clarke.

 “Clarke, what’s going on between you and Lexa?” Raven asked, cutting to the chase.

 “What do you mean?”

 “I didn’t want to bring it up earlier because of…you know. But I need to know. I saw the two of you in the tent and again during the feast, the way you look at each other.”

 “I…it’s complicated.” Clarke deflected, averting her eyes to look at the content of her glass.

 “Are you two…together?” Raven asked hesitantly, afraid of the answer more than the offense.

 “It’s complicated.” Clarke said with more assurance, turning toward Raven.

 “Oh come on! Don’t play dumb with me. You either are or you aren’t.” Raven shouted.

 “Nothing is simple about us Raven.” Clarke retorted on the defensive.

 “So there is an ‘us’.” Raven said, lowering her voice.

 “Yes there is, I think. We are working on it.”

 “Are you fucking serious right now?”

 “I didn’t want to talk about it until…”

 “Until what?”

 “I know what you think.”

 “Do you now?”

 “That’s why it’s complicated.”

 “No, it’s pretty freaking simple to me. She killed Finn, Clarke. She tied him up and killed him. And she almost skewered me as well.”

 “I am the one who killed Finn and you’re not dead.”

 “That makes it all better.” Raven replied, bitter.

 “You don’t understand…” Clarke sighed.

 “I think I do. You’re sleeping with the enemy.” Clarke was flabbergasted at Raven’s sharp accusation.

 “With leadership come hard decisions, decisions I had to make myself. Lexa was only doing her job. She’s not the enemy. And I’m not sleeping with her!”

 “I thought you were my friend Clarke.”

 “I am. And I thought you had forgiven me about Finn.”

 “Maybe I did. But I can’t forgive you for falling for the one who condemned him in the first place.”

 “Finn condemned himself. And it’s not like I chose to.”

 “But you can choose to come back with us and stop this…thing.”

 “I can’t and I won’t. You sound like my mother.”

 “Maybe you should listen to her.”

 “And maybe you should leave.”

 “I can’t believe you. Are you really going to choose Lexa over your friends and your people?”

 “I don’t have to choose anything.”

 “Yes you do.”

 “Raven…Me not going back to Camp Jaha has nothing to do with her and you know it.”

 “That doesn’t make it right.”

 “I’m confused about everything right now but I know I can’t go back there and I know how I feel about her. Neither you nor my mother will change that.”

 “Then I guess you’ve made your choice.” Raven said dejected and heartsick as she stood up to disappear in the crowd.

 “Raven…” Clarke whispered, feeling like she’s been punched in the guts by the one she called her best friend, if those kinds of friendship could be developed on the ground on such short amount of time. Raven felt more like family and she, for lack of a better word, just disowned her.

 Clarke was once again alone at the fire. She lowered herself to ground and brought her knees to her chest. She brought her glass to her lips and smelled the content but not even the prospect of drowning her sorrow with the remaining wine she had in her possession sounded appealing. She threw the cup furiously in the fire instead and buried her head in her arms.

 From the other side of the celebration, Lexa was discussing with the emissaries from the Horse and Wolf Clan; half a mind planning future visits and the other focused on a head of blonde hair. Lexa did not miss an ounce of the confrontation that occurred between the two friends. She could not hear the content of their discord but guessed that the outcome was not to either’s liking. Though every fiber in her being urged her to go console Clarke, for she could not stand seeing the one she cared for hurting, reason dictated her to see to it away from prying eyes, in the confines of their privacy. Against her better selfish judgment, Lexa decided to give Clarke her space for the remaining of the party, keeping a protective eye on her from where she stood. When Lexa would finally get back to her tent after being forced to knock two of her warriors out for their aggressive inebriety, she would find Clarke struggling in her dreaming state. Lexa thought Clarke had found some reprieve from the nightmares in the last few days but clearly the events of the day had sparked another burst of torment in the writhing girl she could not help but stare with worry. There was no real reprieve. Clarke’s sense of guilt was more oppressive than any physical punishment. So Lexa removed her attire and put on her usual tank top and loose cotton short for the rest of the night before slipping under the furs and tenderly wrapping her arms around her weakness.

 

_She was surrounded with the people of Mount Weather. They were all covered in blisters, peeled skins and bloody gashes. Their eyes were translucent. They were all standing in the room that saw them die. Clarke was among them, in the middle of them. She turned on herself, not standing too long on anyone. They were not moving. They just stood there and stared at her. Then, one of them moved from the back, making its way to Clarke. Clarke froze. She knew who it was. It was always the same person – Maya. She would always walk up to her and stop a few feet away. Maya stayed silent. They were all silent. There was so much silence that it became a deafening noise. Clarke couldn’t take her eyes off Maya. Her ghostly appearance made her want to throw up. But she could only stare. There was nothing she could say; words wouldn’t come out. Maya lifted her arm and pointed a finger at Clarke. They all did. Children appeared and stand beside Maya. Clarke closed her eyes but she could see behind her eyelids. And when she brought her hands up to block the view, she saw that they were covered in fresh blood. The room filled with voices, echoes of angry, sad voices. A jumble of words that made Clarke cover her ears to no avail. ‘You did this’. ‘The air’. ‘You poisoned us…’ They were overwhelming. Clarke would usually squat. This time, she stood still because new figures had joined the ghosts of Mount Weather. In the back of the room stood Finn with Wells and her dad. Behind them, a door opened and she could see her friends chained to the walls while a screaming Raven was drilled into. But Clarke didn’t waver and stood still, taking it all in until it was too much. She opened her eyes to see the silhouettes march towards her. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t want to. I’m so sorry.’ Maya was now inches from Clarke. The voices stopped abruptly. Maya opened her mouth. ‘Open your eyes Clarke.’ Maya slapped her. Clarke felt it. Maya grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her vigorously. ‘WAKE UP!’_

Clarke flashed her eyes open. She breathed fast, gasping for air. Her heart raced and sweat dripped on her neck. She was disorientated. It took her a moment to hold a grasp at reality and remember where she was. When she adjusted to the dim candlelight, she saw a pair of green eyes hover over her. Lexa. Clarke propped herself up to a sitting position as Lexa straightened at her side. Clarke’s hand touched her cheek as she felt a burning sensation there.

 “Did you just slap me?”

 “Yes. I am sorry. You would not wake up. You were yelling.”

 “I didn’t mean to.”

 “I know. You should get back to sleep.”

 “I can’t.”

 “Try.” Lexa got up to pour Clarke and herself some water.

 “I don’t want to face them again.” Clarke said after a moment.

 Lexa finished her drink, turned around and handed a cup to Clarke who drank it greedily. She knew what Clarke meant. Putting the cup on the ground, Lexa sat back near her Sky girl, laying both legs on the furs, resting her back on the head of the bed and opening her arms to hold Clarke in a warm embrace. Clarke moved slightly so her side touched Lexa’s and nested her head on her chest. Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke and rested her head on blonde wavy hair. Lexa did not know how long they stayed like this. Clarke’s nightmares had worsened. Lexa felt Clarke’s breath even out and her body lean into her and relax.

 “I don’t know how to live with what I’ve done. It hurts too much. When I let the emotions in, their ghosts flood and overpower me.”

 “You cannot fight it, it is bigger than you. You have to let it all in to heal. You feel like this because of who you are. You are good, Clarke.”

 “Good doesn’t belong in this world.”

 “It does. You have shown it to me. And you are. Only someone good would feel guilt and remorse over killing enemies.”

 “It’s not about all of them.”

 “I know.”

 “I grieve for the innocents. But I’m mostly sad…about me.”

 “What do you mean?” Lexa played coy. She had seen the turmoil behind the façade of Clarke’s smiles and beneath the blue of her eyes.

 “I’m sad about who I’ve become. Your people are right, I am become Death.”

 “Do not take this name they have for you to your heart. Who we are and what we have to do are two different things. Sometimes, we have to stray from who we are for the greater good. It does not mean we cannot remain the same.”

 “But we can’t remain the same. What we do changes us, whether we like it or not.”

 “You have a point. But whether you let it change you for the better or for the worse is up to you. Good can be born from the darkest places.”

 “Some places are too dark to see the light.”

 “I do not believe that. Neither do you. You were never a bad person. You were just a good person facing a complex situation and who had to make an impossible choice.”

 “I made a bad choice.”

 “You made the only good choice that was handed to you. There are no good and bad in nature. It just is. We define these notions as we live. You may see your choice as bad because of your heart but you will see that the difference between good and bad is about where you stand with the principles you have created for you and for your people.”

 “I…” Clarke sighed. “Everything used to be simpler. There was black and there was white, good and bad if you prefer. Now, it’s just a blurred line. You might understand it Lexa, your people might understand it, but mine never will. We weren’t brought up that way.”

 “From what I have witnessed, it seems that a lot of your people might be more comprehensive than you think.”

 “There’s a limit to their understanding.”

 “A leader does not need understanding or approval as long as you do right by your people.”

 “That’s the thing, they think I did wrong by them.”

 “Have you asked them?”

 “No, but I know. Octavia might speak to me again but she still hasn’t forgiven me about Ton DC. Raven doesn’t want anything to do with me. My own mother can’t look me in the eyes.”

 “Clarke. They worry about you. They helped my people give a decent burial to the bodies. I think they understand more than you assume. And that scares them. You have to give them time.”

 “I can’t go back there. I can’t face them and see my guilt echoed in their eyes. I bare it so they don’t have to.”

 “Then let me bare it with you.”

 “You already have so much on your shoulders. I can’t let you do that, not to your people.”

 “You are my people Clarke. You have been for some time.”

 Clarke felt so empty. She didn’t deserve Lexa’s generosity. But she also couldn’t help the flutter that started in her chest. Clarke thought that her heart could never be mended, not after so many breaks but somehow, Lexa’s soothing presence reached past her ribs, inside the hollow cavity. Clarke could feel the tiny pieces move around, trying to fit together. It would be a slow process. Redemption always was. And Clarke wasn’t sure if she were worthy of it.

 She sensed Clarke had fallen asleep and Lexa felt more awake than she ever was. She held Clarke as a precious cargo she did not want to part with. Lexa had grown fond of their night ritual and she was greedy. She had wanted more of Clarke ever since they kissed and nighttime was the cloak under which they both were allowed to hold onto each other. Clarke was seeking Lexa’s presence and comfort more and more. Lexa had found herself very happy to comply. Lexa knew however that she should not abuse this privilege. She felt like taking advantage of the Sky leader. Despite Clarke’s reciprocated fondness, Lexa knew how truly broken she was and Lexa would not push Clarke further in their relationship until Clarke felt better.

 

Two days after the feast, Clarke woke before dawn and slipped out of the tent, leaving Lexa to sleep. She walked aimlessly in the forest before her feet unconsciously led her to a path she recognized.

The sun had risen and chased a slim fog as she had gone to the drop ship site where her life on the ground had started. She had asked Ryder to make himself scarce, as she needed this time alone. She walked, for the first time, since she’d escaped Mount Weather with Anya and saved Lincoln, past the battered gates and the ruins of what used to be her home on Earth. She trop upon charred soil; mix of dirt, burnt wood and human ash. She was careful to where she stepped, aware that the bodies of the three hundred warriors, that had raged war against the Hundred, had not been touched and were still scattered inside her former camp. She did not know how it would be seen if she were to move them to give them a proper funeral, either by putting them in the ground or burning what was left of the them. She decided that she would refrain from angering the spirits Grounders believed in and let the bones be.

She reached the drop ship platform, which was wide-open, remnants of the parachute still hanging from the ceiling. It was like she was visiting a ghost town or having a disturbing lucid dream. She hopped on the platform and took a deep breath before setting the fabric aside and making her way inside. It had been scavenged, nothing was where she remembered she saw them last; scraps of metal were pushed in the corners; the broken stools, the leaking water tank, the emptied guns, the makeshift beds and hammocks were gone, only the dried blood remained. The blood they had coughed before the attack of the Grounders, the blood that’d been spilled with each wounded from the moment they arrived, the blood Raven had lost before they were separated by the Mountain Men.

Clarke felt light-headed and caught the ladder as she felt herself lose balance. She leaned her head on the cold metal bar, closed her eyes and, inhaled and exhaled deep breaths as often and as long as it took for her heart to calm down and her head to still. When she opened her eyes again, the dizziness had gone. She looked up at the hatch that led to the two other levels of the drop ship but she couldn’t manage to set one foot on the first bar of the ladder. There were too many memories. Her mind was already overloaded enough to add the weight of them. She let go of the ladder and walked back outside where a cool breeze finished to appease her senses.

She rounded the ship to face the side her mom had tentatively written on when the Ark had landed. The wind and the rain had washed it all away. She stared at it for a moment before putting one hand on it and closing her eyes. An idea occurred to her, something her mind had been compulsively nagging at her but Clarke had refused to listen to it in her efforts to punish herself.

She stepped back, opening her eyes, as her hand reached for the dagger that was sheathed at her waist.

 She brought the blade to the wall, pushing the tip in the metal, testing the pressure to give to have the desired result. When she was satisfied, she looked around to find a big fallen log to use as a stepladder. She rolled it as close to the drop ship wall as she could and, once she made sure it was secured, climbed on it and started to engrave in silence, focusing all her concentration on the task.

She began with a saying then proceeded to carve marks; one vertical line for every life she has taken, one line for every death she felt responsible for, identifying some with names of the people they belonged to when she could.

 It took her all day, from the pale light of morning until the sun had crept behind the tree line. Clarke had religiously marked them all, not stopping until she was done. There were forty rows with thirty-five lines each. A thousand and four hundred marks. Apart from the occasional name, there was no distinction between the lines. A life was still a life whether it came from space, the ground or inside a mountain. Death did not segregate with her hand.

She had started methodically with marks for the Sky People; The first being for her father Jake, then the three hundred and twenty persons that died on the Ark as she had taken off her bracelet and failed to inform them about Earth’s survivability in time. She had continued with the fifty-six Hundreds that had died since they’ve landed on the Ground, engraving the names of Finn, Wells, Charlotte, Fox, Atom, Sterling, Trina, Pascal, Diggs, John, Rohma, Dax, Conner, Miles...She wished she had made time to know them all by name instead of asking Octavia to help her make a list of those they could remember.

She had gone on to the Grounders; the hundred innocent people that perished from the rocket launch as a failed attempt to communicate with the Ark, the three hundred warriors she burned to death in the midst of war, the two-hundred and fifty people she sacrificed in Ton DC, the eighteen Finn killed looking for her and the one she watched die as she sliced his throat. She had added the names of Tris, Anya, Artigas, Gustus and Quint.

And she had finished with the Mountain Men. She didn’t know how many they were when she was inside that night so she had carved three-hundred and fifty marks with only one named, for Maya, the others she remembered not deserving the recognition.

 Clarke was exhausted as she stepped away from her work to look at the entirety of it. She sighed a relief at the catharsis she found in acknowledging each death and giving them a reminder, like a monument people from the Ancient World used to erect after wars or significant events to the memory of those fallen.

 

Lexa was the one to find her in the early evening. Winter was close and days grew shorter and colder. Lexa had been worried when Clarke had not made it back to Ton DC when the sun was low on the horizon, and had decided to go search for her. She had planned to go to the Mountain but something inexplicable, stronger than instinct, drove her to the drop ship. As she approached the abandoned camp, she noticed Ryder on the lookout, perched in a tree that overlooked the site. He bowed his head and gestured her inside.

She stepped silently, with reverence, as if she was entering a sacred place. She remembered the first time she came here as she became aware she was walking on the remains of her warriors. It had been a horrendous experience. She realized the feeling had not gone away with time as she was respectfully making her way to the blonde that had turn them to dust. She did not resent Clarke for her actions but she felt unease at the thought the spirit of her warriors might not have found peace in the other life.

Clarke was sat on the ground, back leaning on a log. She had her knees to her chest and her head on her thighs, arms crossed around her legs. Lexa noticed the markings but did not linger on them. She knelt quietly in front of Clarke, who did not raise her head at her approach, and inspected her state. Clarke was covered in dirt and sweat, shivering. She caught sight of Clarke’s dagger on the ground and saw traces of blood on the handle and the blade. She delicately grabbed one of Clarke’s hands and turned it over. They were bloodied with cuts, scratches and gashes.

She looked up to scope the markings, traveling up each row to the top where she read three sentences out loud.

 “We hereby commit these souls to the deep who, at their last, gave all to the world of the living. May they be remembered forever, until there is no more pain, no more suffering, and the abyss itself shall give up her dead and return them to us. May we meet again.”

 “It’s our prayer to the dead.”

 Lexa’s eyes came back to Clarke whose eyes were looking intensely at her. The brokenness she found in the dark blue orbs made her turn her head away. Her eyes landed on a mark she had not noticed before, a line at the bottom of the wall, alone and separated from the others. It had Clarke written underneath. Lexa was mortified at the sight and angry at the thought. She picked up the dagger and furiously went to erase it. The noise jolted Clarke out of her numb state.

 “What are you doing?”

 “You are only dead when your fight is over Clarke.”

 “But I feel dead inside. I should be on that wall.”

 “No. The dead do not feel. The dead are gone. Do not speak this way ever again.”

 “Why not? I deserve it. All that blood. It’s all I see.”

 “You are not responsible for all these deaths.” Lexa remarked, pointing at the markings.

 “Directly. Indirectly. The fact is I’m still involved somehow. With this,” Clarke gestured at the drop ship. “I didn’t know what I was truly doing. Being hidden inside of it made my decision to ignite the propellers…to burn the ground, less real. But with Ton DC and Mount Weather, I knew what I was getting into. I had seen their faces. I knew some of them. Their death is too real and they just pile up on top of the others.”

 “We were at war. Life’s loss is unavoidable. My men died as warriors. The Mountain Men had what they deserved; they were inhuman.”

 “As was I when I decided to kill them all without distinction.”

 “They would have lived to hate us more and do worse.”

 “You don’t know that.”

 “No. But I did not want to find out once it was too late.”

 “Judge, jury and executioner.”

 “We do what we must.”

 “I get that but I still have to accept it.”

 “I do not know how to help you if you are not willing to forgive yourself.”

 “Good.”

 “It is not good Clarke. My pain means nothing is you’re the one who hurts. Your suffering affects me. I cannot bear to lose you this way. I do not know how to lose you.”

 Lexa had her hands on Clarke’s knees. Clarke could feel the heat penetrate the thickness of her pants, and spreading through her body and soul. She could sense the comfort Lexa’s touch gave her. What she felt for the fierce Commander was palpable, measurable and tangible. But the weight of grief was too heavy. She had let it bring her down, deeper and deeper with each blow from life.

Lexa looked at her expectantly, genuine concern and sadness in her eyes. Clarke did not know how to respond. She did not know what to respond.

 “Here is where all started to go wrong.” Clarke finally said in a low voice. She had pinpointed the moment when things took a turn for the worse to the landing. She had come full circle.

 “Had you not crashed, the Mountain would still be claiming lives they did not own; your people would be dying among the stars; and I would not have been reminded to feel again. Your destiny reached far beyond the sky Clarke. You are a survivor like the rest of us. You are strong, and kind, and beautiful. Do not let war strip you away from you. Come back to me.”

 “I don’t know how to survive anymore, how to make peace with myself and live on.” Clarke wept, with a broken voice.

 “Then lean on me.”

 Lexa enveloped Clarke in her arms and Clarke let all the unshed tears break free. When Clarke’s tears would dry up, Lexa would help her up. And as they would walk out of the sinister cemetery, Lexa would not talk but to ask her again to come with her to Polis, wholeheartedly. And Clarke would accept the escape and the fresh start that was handed to her.


	5. Author's note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had planned to leave a much bigger note to explain things but there's a piece of filth that made its way in our beloved Clexa tags that needs to be buried for how disrespectful it is for the character of Lexa, the Clexa pairing and its horrendous subject

Hey guys,

Quick note. I have not abandoned this fic. This is my baby. One I have big plans for. It is my own personal challenge as a writer making me extremely meticulous with my writing and perfectionist with its content. Life has not been kind since last chapter and this fic took the place of a background project but despite the year since my last update, I do plan to see it through, expending the world and backgrounds of our beloved characters. I can't say when I'll be able to update because I've been on set a lot lately (I work as a script supervisor) but it'll happen and I'll be the first one ecstatic when it happens.  
Leksa en Klark na kom op nodotaim. 

 

Low

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments, good or bad, are more than welcome. Thank you for reading!


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